I'm dissatisfied with myself because I can feel everyone else growing dissatisfied with me.
In my inadequacy there is an ever-present theme: 'not good enough'

I have a vague idea of who I want to be, and an even less clear idea what everyone else wants me to be.
All I know for sure, is what I am now, is exactly who I don't want to be.
clingy, weak, mediocre, non-achiever; immature and a past-dweller.
I need to move on.
Everyone is moving around me but I'm stuck and it's lonely here.

I want to be so much better than I am and there's nothing really stopping me (like my sister said this afternoon) other than myself.
"If you want to change, then change yourself"

I'm scared of change it seems.
I don't know how to implement it.

I really don't know who I am and so how can I change something I don't know much about?
I'm not happy. I'm not achieving. I'm not able to be there for my family. I'm not ready to go into the most important year of my schooling life.
Conclusively, I want to be better but I don't know how.


no love, because I don't love myself (so how can I love another?)
but best wishes,
enjoy being a much stronger person than I.
Gwen.

My Dad Cried.

I'm bloody scared.

I'm over not being good enough or more simply not being enough in general.

I don't feel like I can anymore, I feel unable to concentrate to be interested in my studies.

And right now the only thing that's making me happy is my volunteer work.
It gives me self-worth in that I can help from a distance.
The people I help don't care if I'm smart, if I'm better or worse looking than the people around me, they don't care if I'm not as good as the next person; they're just happy to be helped and I have no second thoughts about whether or not I'm needed there.

and that's such an important thing: to be needed,

When I get bad grades it's like the whole wall of strength that I've been so long building up is just knocked down with one mighty blow and then everything else around me crumbles as I question my every action and whether or not I am .. needed.

I just wish everyone else valued volunteer stuff as much as I do.
It's like DO A LITTLE you don't have to do a lot just a bit, when you can.

But everyone makes this big deal out of it.
" Oh I'm already a good person, I don't need to volunteer - I'm too busy "

and it's like well no, volunteering doesn't make you a good or bad person,
don't get up on your moral high horse just do what needs to be done- and THERE IS A LOT TO BE DONE.


whatever. I wish I was funnier, lately I've been more and waking up to the fact that my self esteem is manipulated.
I'm realising, more and more, when I make a bad joke and people laugh that it's fake.

PEOPLE DON"T ACTUALLY FIND YOU FUNNY, [GWEN], they're just sympathetic.
so very kind.

I'm dissatisfied with everyone and everything. And I can no longer make the most of anything. I'm the new and improved infallible Debby Downer, putting the dim light on EVERY Situation!


I JUST WANT TO BE BETTER. WHY CAN'T I BE GOOD AT STUFF AGAIN?

everything just feels like it's deteriorating.
I've been to three funerals this year. I can't maintain any kind of relationship with shitty boys let alone the decent ones. I've lost touch with almost all my friends. My grades are worsening. My attention span is worsening. My creativity has withered. My aunt who was fine and spirited three years ago now has short term memory loss, greyed hair, less body mass and less mobility.

And I just feel alone. Like no one can relate. And although I can semi-enjoy everyday life it's like watching T.V. and each different commitment is like changing channels. It's like my life is being played out right on in front of me. Cliché.
I am no longer in control of what I do or who I am. I swear it. it just happens now.
things are done and said and at the end of the day I have difficulty assessing whether that was me or someone else who just spent another purposeless day.

At school I just feel like everyone's just looking at me. Thinking 'who is she?'

but that's probably just internal.

...

I'm ready to just go off and hitch hike. Build an African community. Climb a mountain. Die out in the wild. Live the way I want to. Do what I want.

Right now my life is defined by what my teachers, family and friends want from me.
and no one even cares what I do as long as I do it their way.
I don't know what it is that I want anymore although I kind of do. Actually I do. I just feel like it's unreachable.

I want to retrieve my friends. I want to get better grades and emit quality assessment. I want to do volunteer work. and I want my family to be happy again.

because right now it seems that no one's really happy. or perhaps that's all I can see.

Debby Downer's blinding me again.

Maybe tomorrow, well probably, I'll forget about this and be happy again.
but tonight my family had a huge argument. Everyone cried.
My sis said the wrong thing. I could understand both of them but could translate for neither. so I had to watch it happen just like I always do. Useless, inadequate and a tag along who is on neither team and all alone.

i should backspace that.

no resolution in this one.
I just hope that sometime in the distant future my family can get along, I can manipulate my ability enough to serve my purpose and that people recognise the sheer beauty and easiness of volunteer work.

life feels like a ball of needles right now.
or maybe that's just me: painful and begrudging.

it's time to better myself and do what needs to be done.

i'm sitting, eating some pea and ham soup, waiting for it to cool, having learnt the hard way it was too hot to eat, my burnt taste buds aren't too happy with me right now.

My sister's not very well, I don't know, it's just a phase but she's in a lot of pain- and I don't know whether my mum's channelling my sister's pain or her illness is taking affect again but she's not too great either.

I have a funny kind of faith, all though I'm supposedly a 'Christian' it's more or less just a name I cap all my funny little beliefs under. It's more just a faith in life's journey; a belief that everything happens for a reason and everything comes good in the end.

ok so I'm on school holidays and I've had a superb break, absolutely amazing but over the past few days I've just slowed down, my body's exhausted and for some weird reason I've just slowed right down. And so, in accordance of my belief that : "everything happens for a reason" I think this is life telling me to stop moving so fast and umm 'stop and smell the roses'? A few more cliches perhaps? No, I kid. But I think there's only so much time that you can run away from your emotions.

My ... I don't know what to call him but in effect he was a grandpa, even if it was only for 7 years or so some of which I don't even think I was alive for. But anyway he was my grandma's second husband (they didn't last long), my mum's boss for a little while and her lifelong friend; to me: he was a gentle giant who had an amazing pond with red fish in it and a really tall house ( he was 6ft 9 so a house catered for someone of such height was pretty massive for a five year old )and he looked like a really big santa and had to wear stockings (for blood circulation or something).

I hate seeing everyone sick but I think this needs to happen.

Tomorrow's his funeral. this is the third one I've been to this year.

There are a lot of things that could have been done better, like visiting more or at least writing to him or even talking on the phone but that doesn't help anyone now.
I just wish I knew him better he sounds like he was an amazing man and it's a shame I didn't see that while he was alive ( i saw as the gentle but fragile giant in his old age but didn't accredit him for all his hard work and achievements in his age of prosperity ) turns out he helped many but i didn't know any of that.

the other thing he was for me was a grandfather figure, because both my mum's parents died young and my dad's are kind of disparate (my grandad's just a little odd really- mum wouldn't allow me to be alone with him, that kind of odd but lovely just not all there..). G.A. was just kind of there and he was always so proud but gentle at the same time, all I remember was him towering over me and his big white beard and he had an amazing chuckle. It's a weird, strange thing that he's gone.

I didn't even know he was unwell, it sounds like MJ.. he was 75.

he adopted a little girl (this is on the D.L. liv*) and I think it's pretty hard for her at the moment.

She is a really lovely lady, she has three kids and married a farmer with some huge amount of siblings like 6 or something. She's really down to earth and ... fair dinkum - she calls a spade a spade and tells you like it is.

so she's a bit choked right now.

ok I've got to go. I have to go see my sister. she's upset right now. this will work out. It will get better and soon enough everything will be alright.

Imma take my hankerchief that my other lovely substitute- grandma cousin gave me and wear something happy and commemorate his wonderful life,
everything must change and for growth to occur there must be some deaths.

oh gosh, his grandkids, at least he got to see them, I hope they remember him.

i can't believe it. his spirit is here for another day.
with lots of bewildered love, gwen (who is not at all gwen)
not sure what'll happen next.
xxx

A-A-A-ACHIEVEMENT

achieve.

today i did no world feats or extraordinary acts of kindness, i did not reach life ambition yet I feel as though I have achieved.


i bought a man shirt. [great for dancing i mean doing housework]
a cersatile and cheap dress
95 cent earrings
unpacked the dishwasher
i ironed 7 pieces of clothing
i lifted all items off the floor
i folded three loads of washing
i hung out one and brought one in
I had a LOVELYY chat with my crazy european animal-loving neighbour.
and i bought my mum a handbag (for which she i paying me back :D) that made her happy.

i like this satisfaction it's the firtst time i've ever felt this good on holidays.

other achievements:
arranging a catch-up with a friend i haven't seen in about 7 years
going on a train twice to a city bigger and better than mine
buying and carrying groceries home WITHOUT a car
enduring hardcore yoga
babysitting hyper-children
bought a denim jacket that i ADORE and a super warm scarf
got a flower on my nail on the kind behalf of a small asian lady
[really] tried to help my friend who needed a place to stay
watched an old batman movie
drank without consequences
ate thai. mmmm delicious
had two kebabs on two consecutive days. sooo delicious
sorted things out with chris skin corruption
had a lazy morning watching cartoons abd being warmed
stayed up until morning
made friends with boys.
i now have four friends who are boys WHOAAA
made a brooch
ran through a dark carpark
fell in love with music.

HMMMM. IZZ GOOD.
LOVE.
xx

The Climactic End to () the Fullest [who is, in fact, the emptiest]

oh and for your blogging information, To the Fullest is normal.
And is no longer a part of my life. Although he does linger in my thoughts.


SILLY ME. It was but hormones that set my love free.

xxRedNosedandPhlegmy Gwen who is Too sick to deal with Dissatisfaction

P.S. Liv is a lovely [hi liv!]

Exhaustion and the Wandering mind that Ensues.

Living in France he liked to dance when he couldn’t prance or if he forgot his pants.

Life is too hard. For many, art is a vehicle of strength to get through life. Some dwell in the dark facets of the mind and use it as a tool release anger, while others use artistic expression as means of escape from reality.

This assignment is proving to be difficult for me.
especially with i or k

The Hover of Neglected Academia Above my Tired Brain

“People grow old only by deserting their ideals, Macarthur had written. Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up interest wrinkles the soul. You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt; as young as your self-confidence, as old as your fear; as young as your hope as old as your despair. In the central place of every heart there is a recording chamber. So long as it receives messages of beauty, hope, cheer and courage, so long are you young. When your heart is covered with the snows of pessimism and the ice of cynicism, then, and then only, are you grown old. And then, indeed as the ballad says, you just fade away.” Douglas MacArthur.

Sp many things i want to talk about. I have three assignmnents to do and then i'll have five minutes of freedom before the next task is handed out.

I come to think that assignment slowly grow to depend on me. I have difficulty sleeping have given birth to them, feeling as though I am neglecting their needs for growth. I think about various assignments ALL the time and although I love the feeling of their completion I have to sacrifice one of my other loves when I commit to them.

I need to write SO much more but for now I have to get this done.
I need to finish them. Pour all my thoughts onto a word document and try to fill the criteria of teachers.

One day I'll get the freedom for which I've so been longing. I'll be selfish and inefficient and timeless and free.