"I love these little people , and it is not a slight thing when they, who are so fresh from God, love us." Charles Dickens, The Old Curiosity Shop, 1840.
This is what my mother wrote in the christening card of my small cousin this morning. She is beautiful. Children have this natural gift of putting things in to perspective. Through their naturalistic way of life they allow us to see how we should be and make us realise that they who seem so distant are in fact reflections of what we were and are perfect in this natural state.
I spend a lot of time pondering the concept of 'being';
Who should I be?
Who am I?
Am I perceived the way I perceive myself?
Last night I went to a school party. Not a party at the school but a friend's 16th party that my entire grade attended. It was messy.
I think that, standing in that small hall I felt the least confidence I have ever felt. I felt ugly, foolish, geeky, alone, unattractive, boring, nervous, out of place and diversify-ing-ly sober. Everyone was drunk and paying attention to one another, except me. I just felt like I was wasting my time. These people were all showing off to each other everyone there to impress (even I had impression as an intention- I thought I looked great and that everyone would notice) I might as well have been invisible.
The party ended early. To cut a long story short, I went home at 9.30. I went home to my sisters and I was so happy to be with them. So happy to be with people who I understood and people who accept me, for my flaws, for my talents and even when I have my period and turn into a malevolent bitch. We didn't drink. We didn't engage in incredible, defamatory gossip. We sat under a sheet and watched Pirate's of the Caribbean under a hole-y blanket and for the first time that night I felt good (It helped also having eating a large bowl of chocolate pudding-style emotion.)
My sister concluded that although drinking can be fun (I'd be lying if I said I wasn't partial to a shot or three), but sometimes the traditional stay up late and talk sleepover is still so much fun. My birthday was on Friday, the aforementioned drunken party was on the saturday and my cousin's christening: today (sunday).
My birthday was so beautiful. From 12-1 I finished my artist's statement, which made me happy because I think I said what I wanted to say well. However, this only allowed me six hours sleep because I was born at 7.15 a.m. and I couldn't sleep past then now could I?. And so I woke up feeling a little sorry for myself but half excited about the prospects of the birthday that was to come. My blinds were open enough to reveal a beautiful blue sky and sun was beaming. Dad walked in with an earl grey in a fine china mug. Tea is my biggest fetish. I proceeded to open my presents all of which were humble, thoughtful and beautiful.
Off to the beach we headed. My sister, dog and me. Executing the uncanny rights of birthdays, I made the others wait for me to eat a hot breakfast and a leafy tea (the tea came free and the restaurant became my favourite.) And after wandered to this trendy, little independent store near by and again made dog and sister wait while I indulged in selfish birthday impulse to buy a little skirt: on sale one-off design made from vintage fabrics. UBER COOL.
We came home, Farewelled my grandmother who has the best intentions but seems to be offensive and invasive without a drop of sweat or a moment of planning and tears welled up in her eyes. She said to me, arm wrapped around me, "thankyou for being you" and I said the same to her; contrary to my complaints, she is my only grandma and I love her, inalienably.
I prep'd the house for my partay and was suprised to find my other sister who I thought had been at work an hour away, at home. That was so exciting for me plus I was then able to open my present from her too. Which was an amazing CD, WHICH I played full bore, excitedly dancing and cleaning. You men don't even know what you're missing out on without the ability to multi-task.
13 of my closest friends came over and we sat, ate and drank (softdrink) and watched Grease and dance movies.
I had 3 hours of sleep most of them came over at 6 p.m on friday and the last guests left at 1 p.m. which meant I spoke for 17 hours non-stop. It was SO MUCH FUN!
It made me really appreciate my friends but even more it made me appreciate my family. They made so much delicious food, they laid out beds and before I knew it they'd cleaned everything and put it back to normal.
After world's longest week, this weekend has really put things in perspective.
I've realised there is a life out of school, that being 'the cool kid' isn't fun or cool, that being yourself is very important and how we are made to be and that in friends and family you can find justification for who you are and why you are the way you are.
I had an epiphany the other day that you can find something good in everyone in the same way that you can find something ugly. And Everyone Has Flaws. Why create another by being insecure. It's ironic in the way that most people who are insecure are trying to manicure their personality into being perfect, they try to erase their flaws but in doing so they create another flaw which is more noticeable than all the others. And so I will be me more from now on. I will harness my talent and manipulate it into skill and I will meet new people through an open-minded viewpoint.
All of this week has just been super stressful. I have a strong susceptibility of perfectionism in my schoolwork and I think I pushed myself a little too hard in hind site. I adore art. But I think I just need to allow things to evolve rather than crafting and chipping away at them. I cam home everyday and could hardly keep my eyes open I spent three of five days and about 25 hours looking up close at every detail. I unnecessarily exhausted myself.
My message is that no matter what you do, as long as you work hard in preparation, set up the framework diligently than things can evolve and you can stumble upon something perfect.
I'm going to leave, having fallen in love with life, willing to embrace its good and its bad and aim to appreciate those around me, appreciate myself and not try to be someone else and allow things to happen without pedantically crafting and moulding because than you lose what had to begin with. Be kind and fair and patient. and look after yourself and those around you.
I hope that, if you read this, I help you and you don't laugh too hard at my cheesiness.
LOTS OF LOVE GWEN.
Sweet Dreams!
xx
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