My Dad Cried.

I'm bloody scared.

I'm over not being good enough or more simply not being enough in general.

I don't feel like I can anymore, I feel unable to concentrate to be interested in my studies.

And right now the only thing that's making me happy is my volunteer work.
It gives me self-worth in that I can help from a distance.
The people I help don't care if I'm smart, if I'm better or worse looking than the people around me, they don't care if I'm not as good as the next person; they're just happy to be helped and I have no second thoughts about whether or not I'm needed there.

and that's such an important thing: to be needed,

When I get bad grades it's like the whole wall of strength that I've been so long building up is just knocked down with one mighty blow and then everything else around me crumbles as I question my every action and whether or not I am .. needed.

I just wish everyone else valued volunteer stuff as much as I do.
It's like DO A LITTLE you don't have to do a lot just a bit, when you can.

But everyone makes this big deal out of it.
" Oh I'm already a good person, I don't need to volunteer - I'm too busy "

and it's like well no, volunteering doesn't make you a good or bad person,
don't get up on your moral high horse just do what needs to be done- and THERE IS A LOT TO BE DONE.


whatever. I wish I was funnier, lately I've been more and waking up to the fact that my self esteem is manipulated.
I'm realising, more and more, when I make a bad joke and people laugh that it's fake.

PEOPLE DON"T ACTUALLY FIND YOU FUNNY, [GWEN], they're just sympathetic.
so very kind.

I'm dissatisfied with everyone and everything. And I can no longer make the most of anything. I'm the new and improved infallible Debby Downer, putting the dim light on EVERY Situation!


I JUST WANT TO BE BETTER. WHY CAN'T I BE GOOD AT STUFF AGAIN?

everything just feels like it's deteriorating.
I've been to three funerals this year. I can't maintain any kind of relationship with shitty boys let alone the decent ones. I've lost touch with almost all my friends. My grades are worsening. My attention span is worsening. My creativity has withered. My aunt who was fine and spirited three years ago now has short term memory loss, greyed hair, less body mass and less mobility.

And I just feel alone. Like no one can relate. And although I can semi-enjoy everyday life it's like watching T.V. and each different commitment is like changing channels. It's like my life is being played out right on in front of me. Cliché.
I am no longer in control of what I do or who I am. I swear it. it just happens now.
things are done and said and at the end of the day I have difficulty assessing whether that was me or someone else who just spent another purposeless day.

At school I just feel like everyone's just looking at me. Thinking 'who is she?'

but that's probably just internal.

...

I'm ready to just go off and hitch hike. Build an African community. Climb a mountain. Die out in the wild. Live the way I want to. Do what I want.

Right now my life is defined by what my teachers, family and friends want from me.
and no one even cares what I do as long as I do it their way.
I don't know what it is that I want anymore although I kind of do. Actually I do. I just feel like it's unreachable.

I want to retrieve my friends. I want to get better grades and emit quality assessment. I want to do volunteer work. and I want my family to be happy again.

because right now it seems that no one's really happy. or perhaps that's all I can see.

Debby Downer's blinding me again.

Maybe tomorrow, well probably, I'll forget about this and be happy again.
but tonight my family had a huge argument. Everyone cried.
My sis said the wrong thing. I could understand both of them but could translate for neither. so I had to watch it happen just like I always do. Useless, inadequate and a tag along who is on neither team and all alone.

i should backspace that.

no resolution in this one.
I just hope that sometime in the distant future my family can get along, I can manipulate my ability enough to serve my purpose and that people recognise the sheer beauty and easiness of volunteer work.

life feels like a ball of needles right now.
or maybe that's just me: painful and begrudging.

it's time to better myself and do what needs to be done.

i'm sitting, eating some pea and ham soup, waiting for it to cool, having learnt the hard way it was too hot to eat, my burnt taste buds aren't too happy with me right now.

My sister's not very well, I don't know, it's just a phase but she's in a lot of pain- and I don't know whether my mum's channelling my sister's pain or her illness is taking affect again but she's not too great either.

I have a funny kind of faith, all though I'm supposedly a 'Christian' it's more or less just a name I cap all my funny little beliefs under. It's more just a faith in life's journey; a belief that everything happens for a reason and everything comes good in the end.

ok so I'm on school holidays and I've had a superb break, absolutely amazing but over the past few days I've just slowed down, my body's exhausted and for some weird reason I've just slowed right down. And so, in accordance of my belief that : "everything happens for a reason" I think this is life telling me to stop moving so fast and umm 'stop and smell the roses'? A few more cliches perhaps? No, I kid. But I think there's only so much time that you can run away from your emotions.

My ... I don't know what to call him but in effect he was a grandpa, even if it was only for 7 years or so some of which I don't even think I was alive for. But anyway he was my grandma's second husband (they didn't last long), my mum's boss for a little while and her lifelong friend; to me: he was a gentle giant who had an amazing pond with red fish in it and a really tall house ( he was 6ft 9 so a house catered for someone of such height was pretty massive for a five year old )and he looked like a really big santa and had to wear stockings (for blood circulation or something).

I hate seeing everyone sick but I think this needs to happen.

Tomorrow's his funeral. this is the third one I've been to this year.

There are a lot of things that could have been done better, like visiting more or at least writing to him or even talking on the phone but that doesn't help anyone now.
I just wish I knew him better he sounds like he was an amazing man and it's a shame I didn't see that while he was alive ( i saw as the gentle but fragile giant in his old age but didn't accredit him for all his hard work and achievements in his age of prosperity ) turns out he helped many but i didn't know any of that.

the other thing he was for me was a grandfather figure, because both my mum's parents died young and my dad's are kind of disparate (my grandad's just a little odd really- mum wouldn't allow me to be alone with him, that kind of odd but lovely just not all there..). G.A. was just kind of there and he was always so proud but gentle at the same time, all I remember was him towering over me and his big white beard and he had an amazing chuckle. It's a weird, strange thing that he's gone.

I didn't even know he was unwell, it sounds like MJ.. he was 75.

he adopted a little girl (this is on the D.L. liv*) and I think it's pretty hard for her at the moment.

She is a really lovely lady, she has three kids and married a farmer with some huge amount of siblings like 6 or something. She's really down to earth and ... fair dinkum - she calls a spade a spade and tells you like it is.

so she's a bit choked right now.

ok I've got to go. I have to go see my sister. she's upset right now. this will work out. It will get better and soon enough everything will be alright.

Imma take my hankerchief that my other lovely substitute- grandma cousin gave me and wear something happy and commemorate his wonderful life,
everything must change and for growth to occur there must be some deaths.

oh gosh, his grandkids, at least he got to see them, I hope they remember him.

i can't believe it. his spirit is here for another day.
with lots of bewildered love, gwen (who is not at all gwen)
not sure what'll happen next.
xxx