i'm sitting, eating some pea and ham soup, waiting for it to cool, having learnt the hard way it was too hot to eat, my burnt taste buds aren't too happy with me right now.

My sister's not very well, I don't know, it's just a phase but she's in a lot of pain- and I don't know whether my mum's channelling my sister's pain or her illness is taking affect again but she's not too great either.

I have a funny kind of faith, all though I'm supposedly a 'Christian' it's more or less just a name I cap all my funny little beliefs under. It's more just a faith in life's journey; a belief that everything happens for a reason and everything comes good in the end.

ok so I'm on school holidays and I've had a superb break, absolutely amazing but over the past few days I've just slowed down, my body's exhausted and for some weird reason I've just slowed right down. And so, in accordance of my belief that : "everything happens for a reason" I think this is life telling me to stop moving so fast and umm 'stop and smell the roses'? A few more cliches perhaps? No, I kid. But I think there's only so much time that you can run away from your emotions.

My ... I don't know what to call him but in effect he was a grandpa, even if it was only for 7 years or so some of which I don't even think I was alive for. But anyway he was my grandma's second husband (they didn't last long), my mum's boss for a little while and her lifelong friend; to me: he was a gentle giant who had an amazing pond with red fish in it and a really tall house ( he was 6ft 9 so a house catered for someone of such height was pretty massive for a five year old )and he looked like a really big santa and had to wear stockings (for blood circulation or something).

I hate seeing everyone sick but I think this needs to happen.

Tomorrow's his funeral. this is the third one I've been to this year.

There are a lot of things that could have been done better, like visiting more or at least writing to him or even talking on the phone but that doesn't help anyone now.
I just wish I knew him better he sounds like he was an amazing man and it's a shame I didn't see that while he was alive ( i saw as the gentle but fragile giant in his old age but didn't accredit him for all his hard work and achievements in his age of prosperity ) turns out he helped many but i didn't know any of that.

the other thing he was for me was a grandfather figure, because both my mum's parents died young and my dad's are kind of disparate (my grandad's just a little odd really- mum wouldn't allow me to be alone with him, that kind of odd but lovely just not all there..). G.A. was just kind of there and he was always so proud but gentle at the same time, all I remember was him towering over me and his big white beard and he had an amazing chuckle. It's a weird, strange thing that he's gone.

I didn't even know he was unwell, it sounds like MJ.. he was 75.

he adopted a little girl (this is on the D.L. liv*) and I think it's pretty hard for her at the moment.

She is a really lovely lady, she has three kids and married a farmer with some huge amount of siblings like 6 or something. She's really down to earth and ... fair dinkum - she calls a spade a spade and tells you like it is.

so she's a bit choked right now.

ok I've got to go. I have to go see my sister. she's upset right now. this will work out. It will get better and soon enough everything will be alright.

Imma take my hankerchief that my other lovely substitute- grandma cousin gave me and wear something happy and commemorate his wonderful life,
everything must change and for growth to occur there must be some deaths.

oh gosh, his grandkids, at least he got to see them, I hope they remember him.

i can't believe it. his spirit is here for another day.
with lots of bewildered love, gwen (who is not at all gwen)
not sure what'll happen next.
xxx