I like a boy

ahhh Whilst Chris Skin Corruption has been in france- although he's just a friend he's a he who once liked me and thus a continuing romantic sector of my life ( my boy sector) and well it's been a little dim. I think it's because I am very jealous in truth if I were to try to be political I would say it's because I miss him and i miss not going to france and well the combination makes it hard for me to hear his anecdotes. Oh how I wish my mind were flexible enough for me to be able to cope with the knowledge that he's there I'm not. I suppose that's why I feel sad in a small way.
Gosh I dunno.

Anyways I like a boy his name is To the Fullest. He kept me warm on Saturday. We talked about life. For the first time I felt a connection. He seemed to listen to my every word. I wanted to be there forever.
Now I like him. Now I want more to happen with him. Now I cannot stop thinking about him. Now I keep on questioning the authenticity of my feelings for him.
I don't know if it's me just wanting anyone/someone to fill in a hole or if he is really special.
I kind of want to kiss him too. Shit I'm honest on this thing. For some reason I can admit things on here that I can't even admit to myself.

I'm a shit kisser, which I fear.
I fear he want be the ideal nice boy I think he is either and that he'll turn out to be normal and hurtful.
I'm scared about what he'll say to his friends about me (he goes to an all boys school- SOO MUCH TESTOSTERONE)

I liked holding hands with him
I liked him kissing me on the head.
I like snuggling in with him and feeling like our minds and bodies connected.

I like feeling safe in his arms and I especially liked the way he didn't grope me.Or try anything with me.
This is what I wrote the next day:
He kept my toes warm, the fire heated my face, the night was radiant and wonderfully romantic... He let me curl into him and he kept me warm.
We sat on rundown couches around a large fire on an expansive acreage and discussed philosophy. My head spun as we confessed our most covert thoughts.
Surreal bliss and loving honesty...
The emancipation of teenage drunken prosperity pulsing through our young veins.
We spoke of our love of family and music, of being hurt and the revelations of re-finding you identity...
I can't stop thinking of him.

I wish it were just like a movie: I like him he like me and we go out and everything happily ever after.
A wee bit soppy. Rather girly.

My whirlwind of feelings.
LOVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE GWEN

A Quote of Which I Could Not Let Go.

"What has brought them to this temple... Escape from everyday life, with its painful crudity and hopeless dreariness from the fetters of one's own desires. A finely tempered nature longs to escape from this noisy cramped surroundings into the high mountains where the eye ranges freely through the still pure air and fondly traces out the restful contours apparently built for eternity."
(Albert Einstein)

The questionable rhetoric.

this is a preface to what will be SHIT:
Is depression a choice?
Is happiness a statement?
Is success just the evolution of religiously following rules and doing stuff right?
Can failure be singularly provoked?

Why does reason and logic cause my confusion than solutions?
Can individuality exist in a civilisation as advanced as ours?
How can one person affect my emotion so much?
How are mentalities so flexible?

I wish I could just be good again.
I wish I could find connection and understanding again.
I struggle in every aspect of life I'm sure; and I don't think I used to be this way.
I just want to get things right again.
WHY ARE MY QUESTIONS NEVER ANSWERED?

Why is finding the truth so hard to find?
And in this day of advanced communicative device why can't we express anything anymopre, why can't we say what we think? Why do things sound so different in our heads than in the air?

Why does time scare me so?
Do I believe in the things I believe because of influence or are they beliefs that are a part of me?

There's more. SO many more questions.

but now I will abide to the natural need to sleep after crying. Why that is I DON'T KNOW but I will accept it and sleep because for some reason God/creator decided to make us miss out on 8 hours of everyday and when He decided to make us depend on sleep. Questionable Decision oh mighty one.

LOTS OF rhetorical LOVE
and hidden messages of negativity,
GWENNN

WHY CAN'T MY MIND PRODUCE BLOGS?
Why do I have to lose stuff all the time like thoughts and I;D's?
Why do things need to be irretrievable?
Why can't I stop myself from continuing to type?
Why are people like Gwen so amazingly beautiful?
Why are people called Gwen?
Why do I speak English?

Why don't you just GO TO SLEEP GWENNNNNNN?
xxxSWEET DREAMS

An Unfinished Preface for what will be a Magnificent Recollection of my Journey River Rapidding

Me:HEY How was your week?
Other: Oh Good. You know the usual: went on myspace, creeped a little, looked at some girls posing almost naked, read some deeply insightful yet strangely familiar plagiarised about me; ate alot; bored alot; home alot..
How bout you?
Me: Me. well First of all I packed bare minimum equipment to camp in the middle of the bush, far away from civilisation and dependence on other people, cooked my own dinner every night, paddled about 14 km every day through rapids and potentially body part-amputating trees, defying all pain and emotional restraints, dropping judgements of others and getting to know truly amazing people; even if they smell as bad as yourself and their clothes aren't trendy. Oh yeah and I almost lost my life getting taken down a large rapid that not even the instructors had ever attempted- and discovered an untampered strength within.
Other: Oh right. Um, Ok.
YAY FOR DUUUUUUUUKE. YAY FOR NATURE. YAY FOR LIFE JACKETS.
GAPS WILLLLL BE FILLLLLLLLLLLED!
LOTS of Love Gwen. Who currently lacks the time to fill the gaps but they will be!

My Restless Thoughts and my Reeling Mind.

I hate it when this happens to me.
Let me try to explain it: eventually and at times suddenly my to-do list becomes chocca-block. I constantly think about completely the tasks and consider to doing so 'right a way' but get get distracted or find something more important to do (which encompasses almost everything other than the thing that is in actual fact the most important.) I then decline all invitations to social outings. I than get depressed about being bored and lonely because I keep avoiding the task at hand, my friend described it as 'pretending to do work' but doing nothing else either. Time moves on until the task at hand reaches a level of urgency yet still I cannot just get the thing done. I grow distant from everyone as I fret about getting this thing done and suppose dly spend my time in the process of completing it but I don't still. And so I run out of time, inspiration and the feeling of achievement and become frantic, depressed and generally a hater of the world around me.
IT'S SO STUPID!
My poor mother cops the worst of it too. I really shouldn't but somehow I always find myself taking it out on her... Even though I love her. SO MUCH I love her more than anyone else and yet I take out the worst of my emotions out on her.

This week I'm going river rapidding.
I am hosting a cocktail of emotions in anticipation.
I've been on these things before and although you come home smelly, dirty and bones aching the people you spend the time with are amazing and the feeling of conquering pain and self-made limitations is indescribable- it's a sense of achievement otherwise unattainable.

At the end of the week after the expedition I hope I'll feel better because right now how I'm feeling isn't fun.

I feel like I'm wasting my time. I feel guilt for being a bitch towards my mum but at the same time I'm kind of mad at mum for taking over the preparation for this thins. Sure I like her making it a bit easier for me but she's really annoying me in how much she's fussing over every detail. And every time I look she's taken over the completion of another task. There are also three assignments I'm yet to do and I feel like all of them are so beyond me. I feel inadequate in every part of my life. Like I'm Just Not Good Enough.

Do we all feel this way sometimes? Like we're not good enough to be of any use to anyone? Like we are no less ordinary than the next person and much more ordinary than them?
I feel like everyone's asking so much of me and can't deliver to any of them.
I feel like my insecurities are pinning me down.

My fear of rejection, failure, inadequacy, disappointing people around me, of my dreams never coming true. It's like I am scared of everyone and everything and life in general.

The most annoying thing about it all is the fact that I know that if I'd just done what I needed to and got it out of the way than I wouldn't be in this position. I'm just so disappointed in myself at the moment it's silly how much it frustrates me when I'm not living life to its full[est] potential.

I just have so many dreams and I suppose expectations for my life ahead and I constantly am reminding myself of how short life really is and I think it makes me anxious to think of what I'm missing out on and how I'm ignoring the opportunities around me. I have all my limbs, an adequate brain and some people think I'm pretty. I have a good, solid family (although admittedly, they aren't all that solid at the moment- they fight constantly which I suppose is effecting me too) and I have wealth (not much but enough- a comfy bed and a homely house).

I have a quote from Dickens which describes it fairly adequately: "None are so anxious as those who watch and wait, and at these times, mournful fancies came flocking on her mind, in crowds."

This transposes into my life in the fact that my sisters are much older than I and I watch them live their exciting grown up lives and I sit restricted by my age and the rule of my parents and look out my window wondering of the world beyond. I just look at the sky and think about those in the places I want to be in who also look at the clouds wondering if our thoughts are collateral or if I'm the only person in the whole world who would rather be 1000 places elsewhere.

So I leave it as this. Dissatisfied and trying really hard to live up to the expectation of those around me. I'm going to try to finish at least one assignment before I go away to river rapid land tomorrow.

I recently did a personality test that said that I have a tendency to yearn for human connection but have a contradictory need for privacy.

Right now I have neither. And would love both.
I'll be happy again soon I know it.
Hopefully my dreams will come true and I'll be able to be the person I want to be, and I'll be able to live the life I want to live but right now, I'm not allowed those things, I have to be the person I am and just deal with it. Make the most of it. My dreams won't die however and I"ll continue to ponder of the world beyond.. Beyond my window and my patch of sky to ogle at.

I hate my life right now but it's only temporary. I'll get used to assignments and my family will find peace in each other's company. For now it's all about sacrifice and hard work. So hello dirty nails and goodbye social life. I'm a school girl with a dream not an up and coming journalist. Not a funny and intelligent and somewhat stunning socialite. A school girl in uniform working hard to get an education and to learn and to aim for good grades. Let's get this identity bit right. I might have something special about me but it won't surface until I graduate, we might see glimpses but for now I'm just like everyone else. Settling for second best and clawing to get up to first best.

Bloody expectations.

Lots of love Gwen.

A Confrontation with Identity and the Resolution of Physical Exertion

Yesterday I received my maths B results: the worst I've ever received- a D for disillusion.


So I thought everything was going to be fine. I didn't do the correct amount of homework and I did minimal study (I tried but every time I made a mistake or lacked understanding my concentration would evade me and off I'd drift like a kite in a breeze)but for some reason I left the test with a feeling of minimalistic conquest. Thinking that I'd at least pass, knowing I hadn't done well.

I felt really awful about that result.
I think because It's almost as if I my grades are apart of my identity and the concept of less than a failure did not fit in to my previous ideology of myself.

In many ways I am a perfectionist, ambitious is a kinder way to describe it. I have little control over a lot of things in my life but my grades, I feel, are one of the few things my efforts can actually influence. And I quite like control.

Well, that and approval. I love being able to tell my parents with a puffed chest and beaming smile I got a b+ or higher or in maths anything above a c+ and I suppose that's what expect of myself, it's almost what I work for, which I know is wrong but it's the truth.
However: I like creativity, analysis and philosophy. I like the floral things. The things that are unproven and have multiple reasons.

I don't like things straight forward because if it's an answer I don't like than that's what it is and there is no other way about it. The absolute truth scares me.

I like starting again and having a new chance; in fact I love anything new. I also like things old because they teach us what we'd otherwise be unable to learn; learning from mistakes.

I think I'm just not minded that way- towards maths and science. I do like mechanics though: how things work- deconstruction.

I'm stubborn, I like to work at things until I get them right. I hate leaving an answer unsolved. I love figuring out what's gone wrong, working out the mistake and finding a solution. I like finding my flaws so that I can correct them. I like finding my talents so that I can manipulate them. I hate failure and to quit.
I flourish on success and diligence.

Failure scares me. And when faced with it I retreat. I have this want to give up all together.

Today, quitting school and having four children and my dream home, dream job was a temptation. I considered it like a sensible option. I considered running away from home moving to another city and being a waitress or something. Just giving up what I have now to be someone else, someone more exciting.

This morning my feeling of self pity was overwhelming. It took me 45 minutes just to eat breakfast and as I was getting ready for school I cried. Yesterday in my last three lessons my lips trembled and when I got home I was furious with my teaching. The full wrath of my blame bestowed upon him.

But than I ran cross country. Four kilometres of mud and heat. Of pushing myself beyond self-limitations. It clarified it all.

I decided I would quit maths B, yes QUIT, and move to the easier maths. I just feel that my pride cannot handle another subject failure and that if I move to Maths A I'll have a heavier drive with some sort of optimism in my potential in maths.

The thing that hurt most with this maths business was the gradual slip. The painful degradation. I used to be quite good at maths. I began yr 10 in topstream maths meaning I was one of the top 60 in the whole grade. And slowly I worsened. B+ to B to B- to C+ to D. In my other subjects it's different. I work hard and I'm actually interested in what's being taught; in maths I memorise, misunderstand and depend on repetitive practise of methods.

I think it's pointless to put myself through so much pain for no reason. If I need maths B for a uni course than I'll do a course out of school to condense the teachings and stress of maths B at school with six weeks. You can do that, my friend did it.

Sometimes push is important. Using adversities as a stepping stone for becoming someone better and achieving your goal. Other times we need to face our flaws and accept them. I can't do that very well. But we need to reach our potential.

A d average in maths B isn't going to get me anywhere. a b- in maths a will.

I once heard a motherly figure say on an old fashioned movie: "Sometimes we have to accept something as being second best and we learn tolerate it, but if we're lucky, occasionally what we consider second best is considered first best and that's just an added bonus."

I ideally I'd like to work hard up to a B in maths b. To overcome my flaws and become a stronger person. But I think what I need to do in this current situation is to swallow my pride and take the easier option. I'll have enough adversities to face in the next two years inevitably, why add the extra pressure and suffer the poor grades when you can do better is something more suitable to your traits?

Good morals and a big work ethic are important but sometimes standards can alter. Sometimes we need to get our priorities right and consider the outside circumstances to make the most appropriate decision.

This is where I'm at. I shall rest my aching bones and take into consideration all other things over the next few days. My mind is weary and hence my reason is in a similar state at the present time. Running four kilometres is an unusual occurrence for me and so is getting a D. Sometimes things are forced upon us that antithetical to aspects of our perceptions of ourselves and we forced to confront identity and to reshape our mantra.

I don't know if I'm making the right decision. I don't know how much of this is truth and how much is laziness and my pride convincing my intuition of an easier option. But if I can be better, if I can stress less and better enjoy life perhaps this is right, perhaps I'm stumbling upon the right path. I'm not sure.

I s'pose I'll work my butt off either way and see how I go. That's the most I can do at this stage. Thankyou for listening.

X GWEN

How to Elongate a Week, Bless a Child and the Fulfilment of Thirteen Friends.

"I love these little people , and it is not a slight thing when they, who are so fresh from God, love us." Charles Dickens, The Old Curiosity Shop, 1840.

This is what my mother wrote in the christening card of my small cousin this morning. She is beautiful. Children have this natural gift of putting things in to perspective. Through their naturalistic way of life they allow us to see how we should be and make us realise that they who seem so distant are in fact reflections of what we were and are perfect in this natural state.

I spend a lot of time pondering the concept of 'being';
Who should I be?
Who am I?
Am I perceived the way I perceive myself?

Last night I went to a school party. Not a party at the school but a friend's 16th party that my entire grade attended. It was messy.

I think that, standing in that small hall I felt the least confidence I have ever felt. I felt ugly, foolish, geeky, alone, unattractive, boring, nervous, out of place and diversify-ing-ly sober. Everyone was drunk and paying attention to one another, except me. I just felt like I was wasting my time. These people were all showing off to each other everyone there to impress (even I had impression as an intention- I thought I looked great and that everyone would notice) I might as well have been invisible.

The party ended early. To cut a long story short, I went home at 9.30. I went home to my sisters and I was so happy to be with them. So happy to be with people who I understood and people who accept me, for my flaws, for my talents and even when I have my period and turn into a malevolent bitch. We didn't drink. We didn't engage in incredible, defamatory gossip. We sat under a sheet and watched Pirate's of the Caribbean under a hole-y blanket and for the first time that night I felt good (It helped also having eating a large bowl of chocolate pudding-style emotion.)

My sister concluded that although drinking can be fun (I'd be lying if I said I wasn't partial to a shot or three), but sometimes the traditional stay up late and talk sleepover is still so much fun. My birthday was on Friday, the aforementioned drunken party was on the saturday and my cousin's christening: today (sunday).

My birthday was so beautiful. From 12-1 I finished my artist's statement, which made me happy because I think I said what I wanted to say well. However, this only allowed me six hours sleep because I was born at 7.15 a.m. and I couldn't sleep past then now could I?. And so I woke up feeling a little sorry for myself but half excited about the prospects of the birthday that was to come. My blinds were open enough to reveal a beautiful blue sky and sun was beaming. Dad walked in with an earl grey in a fine china mug. Tea is my biggest fetish. I proceeded to open my presents all of which were humble, thoughtful and beautiful.

Off to the beach we headed. My sister, dog and me. Executing the uncanny rights of birthdays, I made the others wait for me to eat a hot breakfast and a leafy tea (the tea came free and the restaurant became my favourite.) And after wandered to this trendy, little independent store near by and again made dog and sister wait while I indulged in selfish birthday impulse to buy a little skirt: on sale one-off design made from vintage fabrics. UBER COOL.

We came home, Farewelled my grandmother who has the best intentions but seems to be offensive and invasive without a drop of sweat or a moment of planning and tears welled up in her eyes. She said to me, arm wrapped around me, "thankyou for being you" and I said the same to her; contrary to my complaints, she is my only grandma and I love her, inalienably.

I prep'd the house for my partay and was suprised to find my other sister who I thought had been at work an hour away, at home. That was so exciting for me plus I was then able to open my present from her too. Which was an amazing CD, WHICH I played full bore, excitedly dancing and cleaning. You men don't even know what you're missing out on without the ability to multi-task.

13 of my closest friends came over and we sat, ate and drank (softdrink) and watched Grease and dance movies.

I had 3 hours of sleep most of them came over at 6 p.m on friday and the last guests left at 1 p.m. which meant I spoke for 17 hours non-stop. It was SO MUCH FUN!

It made me really appreciate my friends but even more it made me appreciate my family. They made so much delicious food, they laid out beds and before I knew it they'd cleaned everything and put it back to normal.

After world's longest week, this weekend has really put things in perspective.
I've realised there is a life out of school, that being 'the cool kid' isn't fun or cool, that being yourself is very important and how we are made to be and that in friends and family you can find justification for who you are and why you are the way you are.

I had an epiphany the other day that you can find something good in everyone in the same way that you can find something ugly. And Everyone Has Flaws. Why create another by being insecure. It's ironic in the way that most people who are insecure are trying to manicure their personality into being perfect, they try to erase their flaws but in doing so they create another flaw which is more noticeable than all the others. And so I will be me more from now on. I will harness my talent and manipulate it into skill and I will meet new people through an open-minded viewpoint.

All of this week has just been super stressful. I have a strong susceptibility of perfectionism in my schoolwork and I think I pushed myself a little too hard in hind site. I adore art. But I think I just need to allow things to evolve rather than crafting and chipping away at them. I cam home everyday and could hardly keep my eyes open I spent three of five days and about 25 hours looking up close at every detail. I unnecessarily exhausted myself.

My message is that no matter what you do, as long as you work hard in preparation, set up the framework diligently than things can evolve and you can stumble upon something perfect.

I'm going to leave, having fallen in love with life, willing to embrace its good and its bad and aim to appreciate those around me, appreciate myself and not try to be someone else and allow things to happen without pedantically crafting and moulding because than you lose what had to begin with. Be kind and fair and patient. and look after yourself and those around you.

I hope that, if you read this, I help you and you don't laugh too hard at my cheesiness.


LOTS OF LOVE GWEN.
Sweet Dreams!
xx