A Confrontation with Identity and the Resolution of Physical Exertion

Yesterday I received my maths B results: the worst I've ever received- a D for disillusion.


So I thought everything was going to be fine. I didn't do the correct amount of homework and I did minimal study (I tried but every time I made a mistake or lacked understanding my concentration would evade me and off I'd drift like a kite in a breeze)but for some reason I left the test with a feeling of minimalistic conquest. Thinking that I'd at least pass, knowing I hadn't done well.

I felt really awful about that result.
I think because It's almost as if I my grades are apart of my identity and the concept of less than a failure did not fit in to my previous ideology of myself.

In many ways I am a perfectionist, ambitious is a kinder way to describe it. I have little control over a lot of things in my life but my grades, I feel, are one of the few things my efforts can actually influence. And I quite like control.

Well, that and approval. I love being able to tell my parents with a puffed chest and beaming smile I got a b+ or higher or in maths anything above a c+ and I suppose that's what expect of myself, it's almost what I work for, which I know is wrong but it's the truth.
However: I like creativity, analysis and philosophy. I like the floral things. The things that are unproven and have multiple reasons.

I don't like things straight forward because if it's an answer I don't like than that's what it is and there is no other way about it. The absolute truth scares me.

I like starting again and having a new chance; in fact I love anything new. I also like things old because they teach us what we'd otherwise be unable to learn; learning from mistakes.

I think I'm just not minded that way- towards maths and science. I do like mechanics though: how things work- deconstruction.

I'm stubborn, I like to work at things until I get them right. I hate leaving an answer unsolved. I love figuring out what's gone wrong, working out the mistake and finding a solution. I like finding my flaws so that I can correct them. I like finding my talents so that I can manipulate them. I hate failure and to quit.
I flourish on success and diligence.

Failure scares me. And when faced with it I retreat. I have this want to give up all together.

Today, quitting school and having four children and my dream home, dream job was a temptation. I considered it like a sensible option. I considered running away from home moving to another city and being a waitress or something. Just giving up what I have now to be someone else, someone more exciting.

This morning my feeling of self pity was overwhelming. It took me 45 minutes just to eat breakfast and as I was getting ready for school I cried. Yesterday in my last three lessons my lips trembled and when I got home I was furious with my teaching. The full wrath of my blame bestowed upon him.

But than I ran cross country. Four kilometres of mud and heat. Of pushing myself beyond self-limitations. It clarified it all.

I decided I would quit maths B, yes QUIT, and move to the easier maths. I just feel that my pride cannot handle another subject failure and that if I move to Maths A I'll have a heavier drive with some sort of optimism in my potential in maths.

The thing that hurt most with this maths business was the gradual slip. The painful degradation. I used to be quite good at maths. I began yr 10 in topstream maths meaning I was one of the top 60 in the whole grade. And slowly I worsened. B+ to B to B- to C+ to D. In my other subjects it's different. I work hard and I'm actually interested in what's being taught; in maths I memorise, misunderstand and depend on repetitive practise of methods.

I think it's pointless to put myself through so much pain for no reason. If I need maths B for a uni course than I'll do a course out of school to condense the teachings and stress of maths B at school with six weeks. You can do that, my friend did it.

Sometimes push is important. Using adversities as a stepping stone for becoming someone better and achieving your goal. Other times we need to face our flaws and accept them. I can't do that very well. But we need to reach our potential.

A d average in maths B isn't going to get me anywhere. a b- in maths a will.

I once heard a motherly figure say on an old fashioned movie: "Sometimes we have to accept something as being second best and we learn tolerate it, but if we're lucky, occasionally what we consider second best is considered first best and that's just an added bonus."

I ideally I'd like to work hard up to a B in maths b. To overcome my flaws and become a stronger person. But I think what I need to do in this current situation is to swallow my pride and take the easier option. I'll have enough adversities to face in the next two years inevitably, why add the extra pressure and suffer the poor grades when you can do better is something more suitable to your traits?

Good morals and a big work ethic are important but sometimes standards can alter. Sometimes we need to get our priorities right and consider the outside circumstances to make the most appropriate decision.

This is where I'm at. I shall rest my aching bones and take into consideration all other things over the next few days. My mind is weary and hence my reason is in a similar state at the present time. Running four kilometres is an unusual occurrence for me and so is getting a D. Sometimes things are forced upon us that antithetical to aspects of our perceptions of ourselves and we forced to confront identity and to reshape our mantra.

I don't know if I'm making the right decision. I don't know how much of this is truth and how much is laziness and my pride convincing my intuition of an easier option. But if I can be better, if I can stress less and better enjoy life perhaps this is right, perhaps I'm stumbling upon the right path. I'm not sure.

I s'pose I'll work my butt off either way and see how I go. That's the most I can do at this stage. Thankyou for listening.

X GWEN