I like a boy

ahhh Whilst Chris Skin Corruption has been in france- although he's just a friend he's a he who once liked me and thus a continuing romantic sector of my life ( my boy sector) and well it's been a little dim. I think it's because I am very jealous in truth if I were to try to be political I would say it's because I miss him and i miss not going to france and well the combination makes it hard for me to hear his anecdotes. Oh how I wish my mind were flexible enough for me to be able to cope with the knowledge that he's there I'm not. I suppose that's why I feel sad in a small way.
Gosh I dunno.

Anyways I like a boy his name is To the Fullest. He kept me warm on Saturday. We talked about life. For the first time I felt a connection. He seemed to listen to my every word. I wanted to be there forever.
Now I like him. Now I want more to happen with him. Now I cannot stop thinking about him. Now I keep on questioning the authenticity of my feelings for him.
I don't know if it's me just wanting anyone/someone to fill in a hole or if he is really special.
I kind of want to kiss him too. Shit I'm honest on this thing. For some reason I can admit things on here that I can't even admit to myself.

I'm a shit kisser, which I fear.
I fear he want be the ideal nice boy I think he is either and that he'll turn out to be normal and hurtful.
I'm scared about what he'll say to his friends about me (he goes to an all boys school- SOO MUCH TESTOSTERONE)

I liked holding hands with him
I liked him kissing me on the head.
I like snuggling in with him and feeling like our minds and bodies connected.

I like feeling safe in his arms and I especially liked the way he didn't grope me.Or try anything with me.
This is what I wrote the next day:
He kept my toes warm, the fire heated my face, the night was radiant and wonderfully romantic... He let me curl into him and he kept me warm.
We sat on rundown couches around a large fire on an expansive acreage and discussed philosophy. My head spun as we confessed our most covert thoughts.
Surreal bliss and loving honesty...
The emancipation of teenage drunken prosperity pulsing through our young veins.
We spoke of our love of family and music, of being hurt and the revelations of re-finding you identity...
I can't stop thinking of him.

I wish it were just like a movie: I like him he like me and we go out and everything happily ever after.
A wee bit soppy. Rather girly.

My whirlwind of feelings.
LOVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE GWEN

A Quote of Which I Could Not Let Go.

"What has brought them to this temple... Escape from everyday life, with its painful crudity and hopeless dreariness from the fetters of one's own desires. A finely tempered nature longs to escape from this noisy cramped surroundings into the high mountains where the eye ranges freely through the still pure air and fondly traces out the restful contours apparently built for eternity."
(Albert Einstein)

The questionable rhetoric.

this is a preface to what will be SHIT:
Is depression a choice?
Is happiness a statement?
Is success just the evolution of religiously following rules and doing stuff right?
Can failure be singularly provoked?

Why does reason and logic cause my confusion than solutions?
Can individuality exist in a civilisation as advanced as ours?
How can one person affect my emotion so much?
How are mentalities so flexible?

I wish I could just be good again.
I wish I could find connection and understanding again.
I struggle in every aspect of life I'm sure; and I don't think I used to be this way.
I just want to get things right again.
WHY ARE MY QUESTIONS NEVER ANSWERED?

Why is finding the truth so hard to find?
And in this day of advanced communicative device why can't we express anything anymopre, why can't we say what we think? Why do things sound so different in our heads than in the air?

Why does time scare me so?
Do I believe in the things I believe because of influence or are they beliefs that are a part of me?

There's more. SO many more questions.

but now I will abide to the natural need to sleep after crying. Why that is I DON'T KNOW but I will accept it and sleep because for some reason God/creator decided to make us miss out on 8 hours of everyday and when He decided to make us depend on sleep. Questionable Decision oh mighty one.

LOTS OF rhetorical LOVE
and hidden messages of negativity,
GWENNN

WHY CAN'T MY MIND PRODUCE BLOGS?
Why do I have to lose stuff all the time like thoughts and I;D's?
Why do things need to be irretrievable?
Why can't I stop myself from continuing to type?
Why are people like Gwen so amazingly beautiful?
Why are people called Gwen?
Why do I speak English?

Why don't you just GO TO SLEEP GWENNNNNNN?
xxxSWEET DREAMS

An Unfinished Preface for what will be a Magnificent Recollection of my Journey River Rapidding

Me:HEY How was your week?
Other: Oh Good. You know the usual: went on myspace, creeped a little, looked at some girls posing almost naked, read some deeply insightful yet strangely familiar plagiarised about me; ate alot; bored alot; home alot..
How bout you?
Me: Me. well First of all I packed bare minimum equipment to camp in the middle of the bush, far away from civilisation and dependence on other people, cooked my own dinner every night, paddled about 14 km every day through rapids and potentially body part-amputating trees, defying all pain and emotional restraints, dropping judgements of others and getting to know truly amazing people; even if they smell as bad as yourself and their clothes aren't trendy. Oh yeah and I almost lost my life getting taken down a large rapid that not even the instructors had ever attempted- and discovered an untampered strength within.
Other: Oh right. Um, Ok.
YAY FOR DUUUUUUUUKE. YAY FOR NATURE. YAY FOR LIFE JACKETS.
GAPS WILLLLL BE FILLLLLLLLLLLED!
LOTS of Love Gwen. Who currently lacks the time to fill the gaps but they will be!

My Restless Thoughts and my Reeling Mind.

I hate it when this happens to me.
Let me try to explain it: eventually and at times suddenly my to-do list becomes chocca-block. I constantly think about completely the tasks and consider to doing so 'right a way' but get get distracted or find something more important to do (which encompasses almost everything other than the thing that is in actual fact the most important.) I then decline all invitations to social outings. I than get depressed about being bored and lonely because I keep avoiding the task at hand, my friend described it as 'pretending to do work' but doing nothing else either. Time moves on until the task at hand reaches a level of urgency yet still I cannot just get the thing done. I grow distant from everyone as I fret about getting this thing done and suppose dly spend my time in the process of completing it but I don't still. And so I run out of time, inspiration and the feeling of achievement and become frantic, depressed and generally a hater of the world around me.
IT'S SO STUPID!
My poor mother cops the worst of it too. I really shouldn't but somehow I always find myself taking it out on her... Even though I love her. SO MUCH I love her more than anyone else and yet I take out the worst of my emotions out on her.

This week I'm going river rapidding.
I am hosting a cocktail of emotions in anticipation.
I've been on these things before and although you come home smelly, dirty and bones aching the people you spend the time with are amazing and the feeling of conquering pain and self-made limitations is indescribable- it's a sense of achievement otherwise unattainable.

At the end of the week after the expedition I hope I'll feel better because right now how I'm feeling isn't fun.

I feel like I'm wasting my time. I feel guilt for being a bitch towards my mum but at the same time I'm kind of mad at mum for taking over the preparation for this thins. Sure I like her making it a bit easier for me but she's really annoying me in how much she's fussing over every detail. And every time I look she's taken over the completion of another task. There are also three assignments I'm yet to do and I feel like all of them are so beyond me. I feel inadequate in every part of my life. Like I'm Just Not Good Enough.

Do we all feel this way sometimes? Like we're not good enough to be of any use to anyone? Like we are no less ordinary than the next person and much more ordinary than them?
I feel like everyone's asking so much of me and can't deliver to any of them.
I feel like my insecurities are pinning me down.

My fear of rejection, failure, inadequacy, disappointing people around me, of my dreams never coming true. It's like I am scared of everyone and everything and life in general.

The most annoying thing about it all is the fact that I know that if I'd just done what I needed to and got it out of the way than I wouldn't be in this position. I'm just so disappointed in myself at the moment it's silly how much it frustrates me when I'm not living life to its full[est] potential.

I just have so many dreams and I suppose expectations for my life ahead and I constantly am reminding myself of how short life really is and I think it makes me anxious to think of what I'm missing out on and how I'm ignoring the opportunities around me. I have all my limbs, an adequate brain and some people think I'm pretty. I have a good, solid family (although admittedly, they aren't all that solid at the moment- they fight constantly which I suppose is effecting me too) and I have wealth (not much but enough- a comfy bed and a homely house).

I have a quote from Dickens which describes it fairly adequately: "None are so anxious as those who watch and wait, and at these times, mournful fancies came flocking on her mind, in crowds."

This transposes into my life in the fact that my sisters are much older than I and I watch them live their exciting grown up lives and I sit restricted by my age and the rule of my parents and look out my window wondering of the world beyond. I just look at the sky and think about those in the places I want to be in who also look at the clouds wondering if our thoughts are collateral or if I'm the only person in the whole world who would rather be 1000 places elsewhere.

So I leave it as this. Dissatisfied and trying really hard to live up to the expectation of those around me. I'm going to try to finish at least one assignment before I go away to river rapid land tomorrow.

I recently did a personality test that said that I have a tendency to yearn for human connection but have a contradictory need for privacy.

Right now I have neither. And would love both.
I'll be happy again soon I know it.
Hopefully my dreams will come true and I'll be able to be the person I want to be, and I'll be able to live the life I want to live but right now, I'm not allowed those things, I have to be the person I am and just deal with it. Make the most of it. My dreams won't die however and I"ll continue to ponder of the world beyond.. Beyond my window and my patch of sky to ogle at.

I hate my life right now but it's only temporary. I'll get used to assignments and my family will find peace in each other's company. For now it's all about sacrifice and hard work. So hello dirty nails and goodbye social life. I'm a school girl with a dream not an up and coming journalist. Not a funny and intelligent and somewhat stunning socialite. A school girl in uniform working hard to get an education and to learn and to aim for good grades. Let's get this identity bit right. I might have something special about me but it won't surface until I graduate, we might see glimpses but for now I'm just like everyone else. Settling for second best and clawing to get up to first best.

Bloody expectations.

Lots of love Gwen.