My Restless Thoughts and my Reeling Mind.

I hate it when this happens to me.
Let me try to explain it: eventually and at times suddenly my to-do list becomes chocca-block. I constantly think about completely the tasks and consider to doing so 'right a way' but get get distracted or find something more important to do (which encompasses almost everything other than the thing that is in actual fact the most important.) I then decline all invitations to social outings. I than get depressed about being bored and lonely because I keep avoiding the task at hand, my friend described it as 'pretending to do work' but doing nothing else either. Time moves on until the task at hand reaches a level of urgency yet still I cannot just get the thing done. I grow distant from everyone as I fret about getting this thing done and suppose dly spend my time in the process of completing it but I don't still. And so I run out of time, inspiration and the feeling of achievement and become frantic, depressed and generally a hater of the world around me.
IT'S SO STUPID!
My poor mother cops the worst of it too. I really shouldn't but somehow I always find myself taking it out on her... Even though I love her. SO MUCH I love her more than anyone else and yet I take out the worst of my emotions out on her.

This week I'm going river rapidding.
I am hosting a cocktail of emotions in anticipation.
I've been on these things before and although you come home smelly, dirty and bones aching the people you spend the time with are amazing and the feeling of conquering pain and self-made limitations is indescribable- it's a sense of achievement otherwise unattainable.

At the end of the week after the expedition I hope I'll feel better because right now how I'm feeling isn't fun.

I feel like I'm wasting my time. I feel guilt for being a bitch towards my mum but at the same time I'm kind of mad at mum for taking over the preparation for this thins. Sure I like her making it a bit easier for me but she's really annoying me in how much she's fussing over every detail. And every time I look she's taken over the completion of another task. There are also three assignments I'm yet to do and I feel like all of them are so beyond me. I feel inadequate in every part of my life. Like I'm Just Not Good Enough.

Do we all feel this way sometimes? Like we're not good enough to be of any use to anyone? Like we are no less ordinary than the next person and much more ordinary than them?
I feel like everyone's asking so much of me and can't deliver to any of them.
I feel like my insecurities are pinning me down.

My fear of rejection, failure, inadequacy, disappointing people around me, of my dreams never coming true. It's like I am scared of everyone and everything and life in general.

The most annoying thing about it all is the fact that I know that if I'd just done what I needed to and got it out of the way than I wouldn't be in this position. I'm just so disappointed in myself at the moment it's silly how much it frustrates me when I'm not living life to its full[est] potential.

I just have so many dreams and I suppose expectations for my life ahead and I constantly am reminding myself of how short life really is and I think it makes me anxious to think of what I'm missing out on and how I'm ignoring the opportunities around me. I have all my limbs, an adequate brain and some people think I'm pretty. I have a good, solid family (although admittedly, they aren't all that solid at the moment- they fight constantly which I suppose is effecting me too) and I have wealth (not much but enough- a comfy bed and a homely house).

I have a quote from Dickens which describes it fairly adequately: "None are so anxious as those who watch and wait, and at these times, mournful fancies came flocking on her mind, in crowds."

This transposes into my life in the fact that my sisters are much older than I and I watch them live their exciting grown up lives and I sit restricted by my age and the rule of my parents and look out my window wondering of the world beyond. I just look at the sky and think about those in the places I want to be in who also look at the clouds wondering if our thoughts are collateral or if I'm the only person in the whole world who would rather be 1000 places elsewhere.

So I leave it as this. Dissatisfied and trying really hard to live up to the expectation of those around me. I'm going to try to finish at least one assignment before I go away to river rapid land tomorrow.

I recently did a personality test that said that I have a tendency to yearn for human connection but have a contradictory need for privacy.

Right now I have neither. And would love both.
I'll be happy again soon I know it.
Hopefully my dreams will come true and I'll be able to be the person I want to be, and I'll be able to live the life I want to live but right now, I'm not allowed those things, I have to be the person I am and just deal with it. Make the most of it. My dreams won't die however and I"ll continue to ponder of the world beyond.. Beyond my window and my patch of sky to ogle at.

I hate my life right now but it's only temporary. I'll get used to assignments and my family will find peace in each other's company. For now it's all about sacrifice and hard work. So hello dirty nails and goodbye social life. I'm a school girl with a dream not an up and coming journalist. Not a funny and intelligent and somewhat stunning socialite. A school girl in uniform working hard to get an education and to learn and to aim for good grades. Let's get this identity bit right. I might have something special about me but it won't surface until I graduate, we might see glimpses but for now I'm just like everyone else. Settling for second best and clawing to get up to first best.

Bloody expectations.

Lots of love Gwen.