educational sacrifice.

I've been lucky enough to grow up in a wealthy country with a lot of governmental privileges and all the rest but even in a rich western country like ours there is still a large opportunity for socio-economic failure.

My family has quite a history and as the youngest, although I was alive at the time a lot of the events occurred, I was shielded from it and am still constantly discovering more about our financially troubled past.

This much I knew: when I was seven we lost our house that I'd grown up in, that my parents had built; and my dog was given away and proceedingly we moved in to a house much older, smaller and dirtier far away from the old one.

I knew that when I was eight I almost got to go to a brand new school a long way from the one I'm still in today, I knew when I was nine we moved to a nicer house near a park and got another dog

I knew when I was ten that my dad couldn't afford that house and again we had to move to a worse one, in which my whole family was unhappy and cramped (we had to ship a lot of our sentimental things in to storage just so we could fit)

Um and then I knew that we tried to buy a couple of houses and my dad had to borrow money off people to do so, that we couldn't end up affording.

I knew my mum got sicker and my dad got balder and fatter and that both of them just wanted to own a home and were embarrassed about their financial circumstances.
So that's what I new and this is what i know now:
I found out recently that the first house we moved from, that was because my Dad almost went bankrupt, the banks threatened him and through selling the house of his dreams in a desperate situation he lost between 100,000 and 200,000 dollars.

I learnt that my mum got sick from all of the stress and resents my dad still for his screw-up.
I learnt from my older sisters that mum and dad spent the whole year after we lost the house, and for a bit longer fighting and constantly arguing.
I learnt that the money my dad borrowed off some people (like $10,000 from my uncle) he hasn't to this day given it back.
I learnt that 10% of his debt to the tax office is 50,000, which sparks calculative curiosity, right?
I learnt that my sisters both had to give up various courses and school programs because of their cost and our situation.

I realised that my family made a conscience effort to make sure I didn't feel the suffering they felt and to allow me my childhood.

But the most important thing is why they went through all of that trouble. Surely as a lawyer you'd think my dad could earn a lot of that money right? He might have but it didn't help that he and my mum decided, against all odds that my two sisters and I should continue our private education.
8000 dollars a year all of our schooling lives + a year of kindergarten. Each: that is 96,000 dollars I think? 96000 times three and that will give you an approximate figure on how much they have spent.

All of my life they have held on to it for me, an education. Our schooling is their biggest and longest investment.

When I was eight and they almost could no longer withstand the grind of constant debt, the thought of us changing schools grew tempting; my sister put her foot down, she would take nothing less than what she had and made them stay. At that stage I wouldn't have even know the difference. But my family's decisions, their presumptuous authority guided me in the right direction.
The most amazing thing is that they have never expected much back from me. They're not nazis with grades or money hand-outs, instead they take note of my talents and advise me from them as to whether or not I should do or couldn't have done better.
They only ask me to behave well, with dignity and respect for others and from our set of difficult circumstances I think that each of my sisters and I are strong too.

I guess through the school and through my parents I have learnt through their example, the true meaning of love, compassion and supporting one another.
I've learnt that receiving only comes from working hard enough to deserve and giving, well you do that because you couldn't in a life time give back in equal porportions what has been given to you. It's like I'm being looked out for, it's like everyone's trying to make me better and no matter how much self pity I build up some days, they still want for me to be better, stronger happier.

My school and my family has taught me to only see the good in people because no matter how well it is hidden, it will always be a beautiful thing when you find it; much more pleasant than the alternative, anyway.

So it seems this here blog needs to be a little revitalised.

For too too long, this little place has been dark and scary and not even the good kind of either of those things. It's been sad and miserable, and without hope.

Seeing as this little blog is basically an exploration of the facets of my mind, from now on, I'm going to step up, MENTALLY.
There is a hidden secret amongst all of my complaints: I really do love life.

the problem is at times I get a little busy, a little hysterical and let it all wash over me. But that's just when I get weak or grow uninspired or amn't busy enough to forget the small stuff.

So I have some questions:
What if... nuclear bombs or an advancement in the technological development of arms were/was never made?
What if (and I would totally incorporate this in chapter 1, if I could rewrite the history of time) there was a bandit, a bit like Robin Hood, who secretly sabotaged every scientific centre for the development of arms and weaponry.
Instead I think the world would be totally different, I think thaaaat if governments focused less on big killing machines they could train (and use talent not technology) soldiers well enough to protect nat. security. But that is uninteresting.

What I'm saying is if they did that then perhaps the problems of today's society wouldn't exist?
Did you know, 1/3 of the US government's military budget could cure world poverty?
That's insane. It just makes it all seem so silly. Why, as humans do we feel so insecure that daily, instead of helping people, we 'protect' ourselves from them?

So I'm about to say something a bit corny here:
If everyone just showed everyone a bit of un-prejudicial love, 'loved thy neighbour', we would have half the problems of today.

Cruelty breeds cruelty and love breeds happiness and peaceful co-existence. I read this poem about the Kent university incident, written by a Russian: it says something about they didn't have weapons so they put flowers in the barrels of the guns and I've thought about this peace thing ever since, the point he was making, even though they showed dissent peacefully they were shot at- and for what reason? For what reason do we need to behave that way? The world is a funny place.
Humans suck sometimes, they really do.
We are made so intelligent that we have these gigantic fears that prevent us from doing so much!

Another what if..
What if the human body could survive on two hours of sleep a night.
That would be pretty awesome! imagine that in a year you would only waste about 670 hours, I would love that.

What if: there was a central thing for every country, kinda like a portal but less space age.

More like a giant corridor where behind each door lies hidden worlds or just the things you want to access. I think the internet's like that with google a bit, you can access almost anything, wouldn't it be lovely if that could materialise! Access to anything you ever wanted. Overseas travel, clothes from stores you always dreamed of, 100 year old books, old cottage houses that famous people lived in, movies you haven't seen in a long time- that bring back memories of a simpler time, different societies from history, I would love that.

I suppose it all comes down to my fantasy of time travel, but I don't think I reaaally fantasise about it. I just like the idea of being able to access anything you like but my issue with TT is that you could stuff up the whole future and everything happens for a reason so i wouldn't want to meddle with that.

I guess I am disappointed in myself about assessment this term. I wanted to be better and I was for a while but then I over did it.
It's such a delicate balance and I guess that's what this shut down has taught me: Work hard but be organised, don't get everything get done berfore hand, just the first paragraph or the first half or even just the first step. Don't let people determine your time planning, explain things- I'm referring to group work here- because twice in the past week my plans have been totally screwed over thanks to my passive approach of trying to not be rude or offensive and trying to be understanding; sometimes they need to try to understand me, I think. I need to get my head straight: not panic, and write a plan or brainstorm ideas in an intricate way. and Draft and Draft and Draft.

Anyways I think that's all the thoughts on my cold-tablet drugged-up mind.
Lots of love and I hope this is a bit happier than the last, Gwen.

I'm dissatisfied with myself because I can feel everyone else growing dissatisfied with me.
In my inadequacy there is an ever-present theme: 'not good enough'

I have a vague idea of who I want to be, and an even less clear idea what everyone else wants me to be.
All I know for sure, is what I am now, is exactly who I don't want to be.
clingy, weak, mediocre, non-achiever; immature and a past-dweller.
I need to move on.
Everyone is moving around me but I'm stuck and it's lonely here.

I want to be so much better than I am and there's nothing really stopping me (like my sister said this afternoon) other than myself.
"If you want to change, then change yourself"

I'm scared of change it seems.
I don't know how to implement it.

I really don't know who I am and so how can I change something I don't know much about?
I'm not happy. I'm not achieving. I'm not able to be there for my family. I'm not ready to go into the most important year of my schooling life.
Conclusively, I want to be better but I don't know how.


no love, because I don't love myself (so how can I love another?)
but best wishes,
enjoy being a much stronger person than I.
Gwen.

My Dad Cried.

I'm bloody scared.

I'm over not being good enough or more simply not being enough in general.

I don't feel like I can anymore, I feel unable to concentrate to be interested in my studies.

And right now the only thing that's making me happy is my volunteer work.
It gives me self-worth in that I can help from a distance.
The people I help don't care if I'm smart, if I'm better or worse looking than the people around me, they don't care if I'm not as good as the next person; they're just happy to be helped and I have no second thoughts about whether or not I'm needed there.

and that's such an important thing: to be needed,

When I get bad grades it's like the whole wall of strength that I've been so long building up is just knocked down with one mighty blow and then everything else around me crumbles as I question my every action and whether or not I am .. needed.

I just wish everyone else valued volunteer stuff as much as I do.
It's like DO A LITTLE you don't have to do a lot just a bit, when you can.

But everyone makes this big deal out of it.
" Oh I'm already a good person, I don't need to volunteer - I'm too busy "

and it's like well no, volunteering doesn't make you a good or bad person,
don't get up on your moral high horse just do what needs to be done- and THERE IS A LOT TO BE DONE.


whatever. I wish I was funnier, lately I've been more and waking up to the fact that my self esteem is manipulated.
I'm realising, more and more, when I make a bad joke and people laugh that it's fake.

PEOPLE DON"T ACTUALLY FIND YOU FUNNY, [GWEN], they're just sympathetic.
so very kind.

I'm dissatisfied with everyone and everything. And I can no longer make the most of anything. I'm the new and improved infallible Debby Downer, putting the dim light on EVERY Situation!


I JUST WANT TO BE BETTER. WHY CAN'T I BE GOOD AT STUFF AGAIN?

everything just feels like it's deteriorating.
I've been to three funerals this year. I can't maintain any kind of relationship with shitty boys let alone the decent ones. I've lost touch with almost all my friends. My grades are worsening. My attention span is worsening. My creativity has withered. My aunt who was fine and spirited three years ago now has short term memory loss, greyed hair, less body mass and less mobility.

And I just feel alone. Like no one can relate. And although I can semi-enjoy everyday life it's like watching T.V. and each different commitment is like changing channels. It's like my life is being played out right on in front of me. Cliché.
I am no longer in control of what I do or who I am. I swear it. it just happens now.
things are done and said and at the end of the day I have difficulty assessing whether that was me or someone else who just spent another purposeless day.

At school I just feel like everyone's just looking at me. Thinking 'who is she?'

but that's probably just internal.

...

I'm ready to just go off and hitch hike. Build an African community. Climb a mountain. Die out in the wild. Live the way I want to. Do what I want.

Right now my life is defined by what my teachers, family and friends want from me.
and no one even cares what I do as long as I do it their way.
I don't know what it is that I want anymore although I kind of do. Actually I do. I just feel like it's unreachable.

I want to retrieve my friends. I want to get better grades and emit quality assessment. I want to do volunteer work. and I want my family to be happy again.

because right now it seems that no one's really happy. or perhaps that's all I can see.

Debby Downer's blinding me again.

Maybe tomorrow, well probably, I'll forget about this and be happy again.
but tonight my family had a huge argument. Everyone cried.
My sis said the wrong thing. I could understand both of them but could translate for neither. so I had to watch it happen just like I always do. Useless, inadequate and a tag along who is on neither team and all alone.

i should backspace that.

no resolution in this one.
I just hope that sometime in the distant future my family can get along, I can manipulate my ability enough to serve my purpose and that people recognise the sheer beauty and easiness of volunteer work.

life feels like a ball of needles right now.
or maybe that's just me: painful and begrudging.

it's time to better myself and do what needs to be done.

i'm sitting, eating some pea and ham soup, waiting for it to cool, having learnt the hard way it was too hot to eat, my burnt taste buds aren't too happy with me right now.

My sister's not very well, I don't know, it's just a phase but she's in a lot of pain- and I don't know whether my mum's channelling my sister's pain or her illness is taking affect again but she's not too great either.

I have a funny kind of faith, all though I'm supposedly a 'Christian' it's more or less just a name I cap all my funny little beliefs under. It's more just a faith in life's journey; a belief that everything happens for a reason and everything comes good in the end.

ok so I'm on school holidays and I've had a superb break, absolutely amazing but over the past few days I've just slowed down, my body's exhausted and for some weird reason I've just slowed right down. And so, in accordance of my belief that : "everything happens for a reason" I think this is life telling me to stop moving so fast and umm 'stop and smell the roses'? A few more cliches perhaps? No, I kid. But I think there's only so much time that you can run away from your emotions.

My ... I don't know what to call him but in effect he was a grandpa, even if it was only for 7 years or so some of which I don't even think I was alive for. But anyway he was my grandma's second husband (they didn't last long), my mum's boss for a little while and her lifelong friend; to me: he was a gentle giant who had an amazing pond with red fish in it and a really tall house ( he was 6ft 9 so a house catered for someone of such height was pretty massive for a five year old )and he looked like a really big santa and had to wear stockings (for blood circulation or something).

I hate seeing everyone sick but I think this needs to happen.

Tomorrow's his funeral. this is the third one I've been to this year.

There are a lot of things that could have been done better, like visiting more or at least writing to him or even talking on the phone but that doesn't help anyone now.
I just wish I knew him better he sounds like he was an amazing man and it's a shame I didn't see that while he was alive ( i saw as the gentle but fragile giant in his old age but didn't accredit him for all his hard work and achievements in his age of prosperity ) turns out he helped many but i didn't know any of that.

the other thing he was for me was a grandfather figure, because both my mum's parents died young and my dad's are kind of disparate (my grandad's just a little odd really- mum wouldn't allow me to be alone with him, that kind of odd but lovely just not all there..). G.A. was just kind of there and he was always so proud but gentle at the same time, all I remember was him towering over me and his big white beard and he had an amazing chuckle. It's a weird, strange thing that he's gone.

I didn't even know he was unwell, it sounds like MJ.. he was 75.

he adopted a little girl (this is on the D.L. liv*) and I think it's pretty hard for her at the moment.

She is a really lovely lady, she has three kids and married a farmer with some huge amount of siblings like 6 or something. She's really down to earth and ... fair dinkum - she calls a spade a spade and tells you like it is.

so she's a bit choked right now.

ok I've got to go. I have to go see my sister. she's upset right now. this will work out. It will get better and soon enough everything will be alright.

Imma take my hankerchief that my other lovely substitute- grandma cousin gave me and wear something happy and commemorate his wonderful life,
everything must change and for growth to occur there must be some deaths.

oh gosh, his grandkids, at least he got to see them, I hope they remember him.

i can't believe it. his spirit is here for another day.
with lots of bewildered love, gwen (who is not at all gwen)
not sure what'll happen next.
xxx

A-A-A-ACHIEVEMENT

achieve.

today i did no world feats or extraordinary acts of kindness, i did not reach life ambition yet I feel as though I have achieved.


i bought a man shirt. [great for dancing i mean doing housework]
a cersatile and cheap dress
95 cent earrings
unpacked the dishwasher
i ironed 7 pieces of clothing
i lifted all items off the floor
i folded three loads of washing
i hung out one and brought one in
I had a LOVELYY chat with my crazy european animal-loving neighbour.
and i bought my mum a handbag (for which she i paying me back :D) that made her happy.

i like this satisfaction it's the firtst time i've ever felt this good on holidays.

other achievements:
arranging a catch-up with a friend i haven't seen in about 7 years
going on a train twice to a city bigger and better than mine
buying and carrying groceries home WITHOUT a car
enduring hardcore yoga
babysitting hyper-children
bought a denim jacket that i ADORE and a super warm scarf
got a flower on my nail on the kind behalf of a small asian lady
[really] tried to help my friend who needed a place to stay
watched an old batman movie
drank without consequences
ate thai. mmmm delicious
had two kebabs on two consecutive days. sooo delicious
sorted things out with chris skin corruption
had a lazy morning watching cartoons abd being warmed
stayed up until morning
made friends with boys.
i now have four friends who are boys WHOAAA
made a brooch
ran through a dark carpark
fell in love with music.

HMMMM. IZZ GOOD.
LOVE.
xx

The Climactic End to () the Fullest [who is, in fact, the emptiest]

oh and for your blogging information, To the Fullest is normal.
And is no longer a part of my life. Although he does linger in my thoughts.


SILLY ME. It was but hormones that set my love free.

xxRedNosedandPhlegmy Gwen who is Too sick to deal with Dissatisfaction

P.S. Liv is a lovely [hi liv!]