I've been lucky enough to grow up in a wealthy country with a lot of governmental privileges and all the rest but even in a rich western country like ours there is still a large opportunity for socio-economic failure.
My family has quite a history and as the youngest, although I was alive at the time a lot of the events occurred, I was shielded from it and am still constantly discovering more about our financially troubled past.
This much I knew: when I was seven we lost our house that I'd grown up in, that my parents had built; and my dog was given away and proceedingly we moved in to a house much older, smaller and dirtier far away from the old one.
I knew that when I was eight I almost got to go to a brand new school a long way from the one I'm still in today, I knew when I was nine we moved to a nicer house near a park and got another dog
I knew when I was ten that my dad couldn't afford that house and again we had to move to a worse one, in which my whole family was unhappy and cramped (we had to ship a lot of our sentimental things in to storage just so we could fit)
Um and then I knew that we tried to buy a couple of houses and my dad had to borrow money off people to do so, that we couldn't end up affording.
I knew my mum got sicker and my dad got balder and fatter and that both of them just wanted to own a home and were embarrassed about their financial circumstances.
So that's what I new and this is what i know now:
I found out recently that the first house we moved from, that was because my Dad almost went bankrupt, the banks threatened him and through selling the house of his dreams in a desperate situation he lost between 100,000 and 200,000 dollars.
I learnt that my mum got sick from all of the stress and resents my dad still for his screw-up.
I learnt from my older sisters that mum and dad spent the whole year after we lost the house, and for a bit longer fighting and constantly arguing.
I learnt that the money my dad borrowed off some people (like $10,000 from my uncle) he hasn't to this day given it back.
I learnt that 10% of his debt to the tax office is 50,000, which sparks calculative curiosity, right?
I learnt that my sisters both had to give up various courses and school programs because of their cost and our situation.
I realised that my family made a conscience effort to make sure I didn't feel the suffering they felt and to allow me my childhood.
But the most important thing is why they went through all of that trouble. Surely as a lawyer you'd think my dad could earn a lot of that money right? He might have but it didn't help that he and my mum decided, against all odds that my two sisters and I should continue our private education.
8000 dollars a year all of our schooling lives + a year of kindergarten. Each: that is 96,000 dollars I think? 96000 times three and that will give you an approximate figure on how much they have spent.
All of my life they have held on to it for me, an education. Our schooling is their biggest and longest investment.
When I was eight and they almost could no longer withstand the grind of constant debt, the thought of us changing schools grew tempting; my sister put her foot down, she would take nothing less than what she had and made them stay. At that stage I wouldn't have even know the difference. But my family's decisions, their presumptuous authority guided me in the right direction.
The most amazing thing is that they have never expected much back from me. They're not nazis with grades or money hand-outs, instead they take note of my talents and advise me from them as to whether or not I should do or couldn't have done better.
They only ask me to behave well, with dignity and respect for others and from our set of difficult circumstances I think that each of my sisters and I are strong too.
I guess through the school and through my parents I have learnt through their example, the true meaning of love, compassion and supporting one another.
I've learnt that receiving only comes from working hard enough to deserve and giving, well you do that because you couldn't in a life time give back in equal porportions what has been given to you. It's like I'm being looked out for, it's like everyone's trying to make me better and no matter how much self pity I build up some days, they still want for me to be better, stronger happier.
My school and my family has taught me to only see the good in people because no matter how well it is hidden, it will always be a beautiful thing when you find it; much more pleasant than the alternative, anyway.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Thursday, September 3, 2009
So it seems this here blog needs to be a little revitalised.
For too too long, this little place has been dark and scary and not even the good kind of either of those things. It's been sad and miserable, and without hope.
Seeing as this little blog is basically an exploration of the facets of my mind, from now on, I'm going to step up, MENTALLY.
There is a hidden secret amongst all of my complaints: I really do love life.
the problem is at times I get a little busy, a little hysterical and let it all wash over me. But that's just when I get weak or grow uninspired or amn't busy enough to forget the small stuff.
So I have some questions:
What if... nuclear bombs or an advancement in the technological development of arms were/was never made?
What if (and I would totally incorporate this in chapter 1, if I could rewrite the history of time) there was a bandit, a bit like Robin Hood, who secretly sabotaged every scientific centre for the development of arms and weaponry.
Instead I think the world would be totally different, I think thaaaat if governments focused less on big killing machines they could train (and use talent not technology) soldiers well enough to protect nat. security. But that is uninteresting.
What I'm saying is if they did that then perhaps the problems of today's society wouldn't exist?
Did you know, 1/3 of the US government's military budget could cure world poverty?
That's insane. It just makes it all seem so silly. Why, as humans do we feel so insecure that daily, instead of helping people, we 'protect' ourselves from them?
So I'm about to say something a bit corny here:
If everyone just showed everyone a bit of un-prejudicial love, 'loved thy neighbour', we would have half the problems of today.
Cruelty breeds cruelty and love breeds happiness and peaceful co-existence. I read this poem about the Kent university incident, written by a Russian: it says something about they didn't have weapons so they put flowers in the barrels of the guns and I've thought about this peace thing ever since, the point he was making, even though they showed dissent peacefully they were shot at- and for what reason? For what reason do we need to behave that way? The world is a funny place.
Humans suck sometimes, they really do.
We are made so intelligent that we have these gigantic fears that prevent us from doing so much!
Another what if..
What if the human body could survive on two hours of sleep a night.
That would be pretty awesome! imagine that in a year you would only waste about 670 hours, I would love that.
What if: there was a central thing for every country, kinda like a portal but less space age.
More like a giant corridor where behind each door lies hidden worlds or just the things you want to access. I think the internet's like that with google a bit, you can access almost anything, wouldn't it be lovely if that could materialise! Access to anything you ever wanted. Overseas travel, clothes from stores you always dreamed of, 100 year old books, old cottage houses that famous people lived in, movies you haven't seen in a long time- that bring back memories of a simpler time, different societies from history, I would love that.
I suppose it all comes down to my fantasy of time travel, but I don't think I reaaally fantasise about it. I just like the idea of being able to access anything you like but my issue with TT is that you could stuff up the whole future and everything happens for a reason so i wouldn't want to meddle with that.
I guess I am disappointed in myself about assessment this term. I wanted to be better and I was for a while but then I over did it.
It's such a delicate balance and I guess that's what this shut down has taught me: Work hard but be organised, don't get everything get done berfore hand, just the first paragraph or the first half or even just the first step. Don't let people determine your time planning, explain things- I'm referring to group work here- because twice in the past week my plans have been totally screwed over thanks to my passive approach of trying to not be rude or offensive and trying to be understanding; sometimes they need to try to understand me, I think. I need to get my head straight: not panic, and write a plan or brainstorm ideas in an intricate way. and Draft and Draft and Draft.
Anyways I think that's all the thoughts on my cold-tablet drugged-up mind.
Lots of love and I hope this is a bit happier than the last, Gwen.
Seeing as this little blog is basically an exploration of the facets of my mind, from now on, I'm going to step up, MENTALLY.
There is a hidden secret amongst all of my complaints: I really do love life.
the problem is at times I get a little busy, a little hysterical and let it all wash over me. But that's just when I get weak or grow uninspired or amn't busy enough to forget the small stuff.
So I have some questions:
What if... nuclear bombs or an advancement in the technological development of arms were/was never made?
What if (and I would totally incorporate this in chapter 1, if I could rewrite the history of time) there was a bandit, a bit like Robin Hood, who secretly sabotaged every scientific centre for the development of arms and weaponry.
Instead I think the world would be totally different, I think thaaaat if governments focused less on big killing machines they could train (and use talent not technology) soldiers well enough to protect nat. security. But that is uninteresting.
What I'm saying is if they did that then perhaps the problems of today's society wouldn't exist?
Did you know, 1/3 of the US government's military budget could cure world poverty?
That's insane. It just makes it all seem so silly. Why, as humans do we feel so insecure that daily, instead of helping people, we 'protect' ourselves from them?
So I'm about to say something a bit corny here:
If everyone just showed everyone a bit of un-prejudicial love, 'loved thy neighbour', we would have half the problems of today.
Cruelty breeds cruelty and love breeds happiness and peaceful co-existence. I read this poem about the Kent university incident, written by a Russian: it says something about they didn't have weapons so they put flowers in the barrels of the guns and I've thought about this peace thing ever since, the point he was making, even though they showed dissent peacefully they were shot at- and for what reason? For what reason do we need to behave that way? The world is a funny place.
Humans suck sometimes, they really do.
We are made so intelligent that we have these gigantic fears that prevent us from doing so much!
Another what if..
What if the human body could survive on two hours of sleep a night.
That would be pretty awesome! imagine that in a year you would only waste about 670 hours, I would love that.
What if: there was a central thing for every country, kinda like a portal but less space age.
More like a giant corridor where behind each door lies hidden worlds or just the things you want to access. I think the internet's like that with google a bit, you can access almost anything, wouldn't it be lovely if that could materialise! Access to anything you ever wanted. Overseas travel, clothes from stores you always dreamed of, 100 year old books, old cottage houses that famous people lived in, movies you haven't seen in a long time- that bring back memories of a simpler time, different societies from history, I would love that.
I suppose it all comes down to my fantasy of time travel, but I don't think I reaaally fantasise about it. I just like the idea of being able to access anything you like but my issue with TT is that you could stuff up the whole future and everything happens for a reason so i wouldn't want to meddle with that.
I guess I am disappointed in myself about assessment this term. I wanted to be better and I was for a while but then I over did it.
It's such a delicate balance and I guess that's what this shut down has taught me: Work hard but be organised, don't get everything get done berfore hand, just the first paragraph or the first half or even just the first step. Don't let people determine your time planning, explain things- I'm referring to group work here- because twice in the past week my plans have been totally screwed over thanks to my passive approach of trying to not be rude or offensive and trying to be understanding; sometimes they need to try to understand me, I think. I need to get my head straight: not panic, and write a plan or brainstorm ideas in an intricate way. and Draft and Draft and Draft.
Anyways I think that's all the thoughts on my cold-tablet drugged-up mind.
Lots of love and I hope this is a bit happier than the last, Gwen.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
I'm dissatisfied with myself because I can feel everyone else growing dissatisfied with me.
In my inadequacy there is an ever-present theme: 'not good enough'
I have a vague idea of who I want to be, and an even less clear idea what everyone else wants me to be.
All I know for sure, is what I am now, is exactly who I don't want to be.
clingy, weak, mediocre, non-achiever; immature and a past-dweller.
I need to move on.
Everyone is moving around me but I'm stuck and it's lonely here.
I want to be so much better than I am and there's nothing really stopping me (like my sister said this afternoon) other than myself.
"If you want to change, then change yourself"
I'm scared of change it seems.
I don't know how to implement it.
I really don't know who I am and so how can I change something I don't know much about?
I'm not happy. I'm not achieving. I'm not able to be there for my family. I'm not ready to go into the most important year of my schooling life.
Conclusively, I want to be better but I don't know how.
no love, because I don't love myself (so how can I love another?)
but best wishes,
enjoy being a much stronger person than I.
Gwen.
In my inadequacy there is an ever-present theme: 'not good enough'
I have a vague idea of who I want to be, and an even less clear idea what everyone else wants me to be.
All I know for sure, is what I am now, is exactly who I don't want to be.
clingy, weak, mediocre, non-achiever; immature and a past-dweller.
I need to move on.
Everyone is moving around me but I'm stuck and it's lonely here.
I want to be so much better than I am and there's nothing really stopping me (like my sister said this afternoon) other than myself.
"If you want to change, then change yourself"
I'm scared of change it seems.
I don't know how to implement it.
I really don't know who I am and so how can I change something I don't know much about?
I'm not happy. I'm not achieving. I'm not able to be there for my family. I'm not ready to go into the most important year of my schooling life.
Conclusively, I want to be better but I don't know how.
no love, because I don't love myself (so how can I love another?)
but best wishes,
enjoy being a much stronger person than I.
Gwen.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
My Dad Cried.
I'm bloody scared.
I'm over not being good enough or more simply not being enough in general.
I don't feel like I can anymore, I feel unable to concentrate to be interested in my studies.
And right now the only thing that's making me happy is my volunteer work.
It gives me self-worth in that I can help from a distance.
The people I help don't care if I'm smart, if I'm better or worse looking than the people around me, they don't care if I'm not as good as the next person; they're just happy to be helped and I have no second thoughts about whether or not I'm needed there.
and that's such an important thing: to be needed,
When I get bad grades it's like the whole wall of strength that I've been so long building up is just knocked down with one mighty blow and then everything else around me crumbles as I question my every action and whether or not I am .. needed.
I just wish everyone else valued volunteer stuff as much as I do.
It's like DO A LITTLE you don't have to do a lot just a bit, when you can.
But everyone makes this big deal out of it.
" Oh I'm already a good person, I don't need to volunteer - I'm too busy "
and it's like well no, volunteering doesn't make you a good or bad person,
don't get up on your moral high horse just do what needs to be done- and THERE IS A LOT TO BE DONE.
whatever. I wish I was funnier, lately I've been more and waking up to the fact that my self esteem is manipulated.
I'm realising, more and more, when I make a bad joke and people laugh that it's fake.
PEOPLE DON"T ACTUALLY FIND YOU FUNNY, [GWEN], they're just sympathetic.
so very kind.
I'm dissatisfied with everyone and everything. And I can no longer make the most of anything. I'm the new and improved infallible Debby Downer, putting the dim light on EVERY Situation!
I JUST WANT TO BE BETTER. WHY CAN'T I BE GOOD AT STUFF AGAIN?
everything just feels like it's deteriorating.
I've been to three funerals this year. I can't maintain any kind of relationship with shitty boys let alone the decent ones. I've lost touch with almost all my friends. My grades are worsening. My attention span is worsening. My creativity has withered. My aunt who was fine and spirited three years ago now has short term memory loss, greyed hair, less body mass and less mobility.
And I just feel alone. Like no one can relate. And although I can semi-enjoy everyday life it's like watching T.V. and each different commitment is like changing channels. It's like my life is being played out right on in front of me. Cliché.
I am no longer in control of what I do or who I am. I swear it. it just happens now.
things are done and said and at the end of the day I have difficulty assessing whether that was me or someone else who just spent another purposeless day.
At school I just feel like everyone's just looking at me. Thinking 'who is she?'
but that's probably just internal.
...
I'm ready to just go off and hitch hike. Build an African community. Climb a mountain. Die out in the wild. Live the way I want to. Do what I want.
Right now my life is defined by what my teachers, family and friends want from me.
and no one even cares what I do as long as I do it their way.
I don't know what it is that I want anymore although I kind of do. Actually I do. I just feel like it's unreachable.
I want to retrieve my friends. I want to get better grades and emit quality assessment. I want to do volunteer work. and I want my family to be happy again.
because right now it seems that no one's really happy. or perhaps that's all I can see.
Debby Downer's blinding me again.
Maybe tomorrow, well probably, I'll forget about this and be happy again.
but tonight my family had a huge argument. Everyone cried.
My sis said the wrong thing. I could understand both of them but could translate for neither. so I had to watch it happen just like I always do. Useless, inadequate and a tag along who is on neither team and all alone.
i should backspace that.
no resolution in this one.
I just hope that sometime in the distant future my family can get along, I can manipulate my ability enough to serve my purpose and that people recognise the sheer beauty and easiness of volunteer work.
life feels like a ball of needles right now.
or maybe that's just me: painful and begrudging.
it's time to better myself and do what needs to be done.
I'm over not being good enough or more simply not being enough in general.
I don't feel like I can anymore, I feel unable to concentrate to be interested in my studies.
And right now the only thing that's making me happy is my volunteer work.
It gives me self-worth in that I can help from a distance.
The people I help don't care if I'm smart, if I'm better or worse looking than the people around me, they don't care if I'm not as good as the next person; they're just happy to be helped and I have no second thoughts about whether or not I'm needed there.
and that's such an important thing: to be needed,
When I get bad grades it's like the whole wall of strength that I've been so long building up is just knocked down with one mighty blow and then everything else around me crumbles as I question my every action and whether or not I am .. needed.
I just wish everyone else valued volunteer stuff as much as I do.
It's like DO A LITTLE you don't have to do a lot just a bit, when you can.
But everyone makes this big deal out of it.
" Oh I'm already a good person, I don't need to volunteer - I'm too busy "
and it's like well no, volunteering doesn't make you a good or bad person,
don't get up on your moral high horse just do what needs to be done- and THERE IS A LOT TO BE DONE.
whatever. I wish I was funnier, lately I've been more and waking up to the fact that my self esteem is manipulated.
I'm realising, more and more, when I make a bad joke and people laugh that it's fake.
PEOPLE DON"T ACTUALLY FIND YOU FUNNY, [GWEN], they're just sympathetic.
so very kind.
I'm dissatisfied with everyone and everything. And I can no longer make the most of anything. I'm the new and improved infallible Debby Downer, putting the dim light on EVERY Situation!
I JUST WANT TO BE BETTER. WHY CAN'T I BE GOOD AT STUFF AGAIN?
everything just feels like it's deteriorating.
I've been to three funerals this year. I can't maintain any kind of relationship with shitty boys let alone the decent ones. I've lost touch with almost all my friends. My grades are worsening. My attention span is worsening. My creativity has withered. My aunt who was fine and spirited three years ago now has short term memory loss, greyed hair, less body mass and less mobility.
And I just feel alone. Like no one can relate. And although I can semi-enjoy everyday life it's like watching T.V. and each different commitment is like changing channels. It's like my life is being played out right on in front of me. Cliché.
I am no longer in control of what I do or who I am. I swear it. it just happens now.
things are done and said and at the end of the day I have difficulty assessing whether that was me or someone else who just spent another purposeless day.
At school I just feel like everyone's just looking at me. Thinking 'who is she?'
but that's probably just internal.
...
I'm ready to just go off and hitch hike. Build an African community. Climb a mountain. Die out in the wild. Live the way I want to. Do what I want.
Right now my life is defined by what my teachers, family and friends want from me.
and no one even cares what I do as long as I do it their way.
I don't know what it is that I want anymore although I kind of do. Actually I do. I just feel like it's unreachable.
I want to retrieve my friends. I want to get better grades and emit quality assessment. I want to do volunteer work. and I want my family to be happy again.
because right now it seems that no one's really happy. or perhaps that's all I can see.
Debby Downer's blinding me again.
Maybe tomorrow, well probably, I'll forget about this and be happy again.
but tonight my family had a huge argument. Everyone cried.
My sis said the wrong thing. I could understand both of them but could translate for neither. so I had to watch it happen just like I always do. Useless, inadequate and a tag along who is on neither team and all alone.
i should backspace that.
no resolution in this one.
I just hope that sometime in the distant future my family can get along, I can manipulate my ability enough to serve my purpose and that people recognise the sheer beauty and easiness of volunteer work.
life feels like a ball of needles right now.
or maybe that's just me: painful and begrudging.
it's time to better myself and do what needs to be done.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
i'm sitting, eating some pea and ham soup, waiting for it to cool, having learnt the hard way it was too hot to eat, my burnt taste buds aren't too happy with me right now.
My sister's not very well, I don't know, it's just a phase but she's in a lot of pain- and I don't know whether my mum's channelling my sister's pain or her illness is taking affect again but she's not too great either.
I have a funny kind of faith, all though I'm supposedly a 'Christian' it's more or less just a name I cap all my funny little beliefs under. It's more just a faith in life's journey; a belief that everything happens for a reason and everything comes good in the end.
ok so I'm on school holidays and I've had a superb break, absolutely amazing but over the past few days I've just slowed down, my body's exhausted and for some weird reason I've just slowed right down. And so, in accordance of my belief that : "everything happens for a reason" I think this is life telling me to stop moving so fast and umm 'stop and smell the roses'? A few more cliches perhaps? No, I kid. But I think there's only so much time that you can run away from your emotions.
My ... I don't know what to call him but in effect he was a grandpa, even if it was only for 7 years or so some of which I don't even think I was alive for. But anyway he was my grandma's second husband (they didn't last long), my mum's boss for a little while and her lifelong friend; to me: he was a gentle giant who had an amazing pond with red fish in it and a really tall house ( he was 6ft 9 so a house catered for someone of such height was pretty massive for a five year old )and he looked like a really big santa and had to wear stockings (for blood circulation or something).
I hate seeing everyone sick but I think this needs to happen.
Tomorrow's his funeral. this is the third one I've been to this year.
There are a lot of things that could have been done better, like visiting more or at least writing to him or even talking on the phone but that doesn't help anyone now.
I just wish I knew him better he sounds like he was an amazing man and it's a shame I didn't see that while he was alive ( i saw as the gentle but fragile giant in his old age but didn't accredit him for all his hard work and achievements in his age of prosperity ) turns out he helped many but i didn't know any of that.
the other thing he was for me was a grandfather figure, because both my mum's parents died young and my dad's are kind of disparate (my grandad's just a little odd really- mum wouldn't allow me to be alone with him, that kind of odd but lovely just not all there..). G.A. was just kind of there and he was always so proud but gentle at the same time, all I remember was him towering over me and his big white beard and he had an amazing chuckle. It's a weird, strange thing that he's gone.
I didn't even know he was unwell, it sounds like MJ.. he was 75.
he adopted a little girl (this is on the D.L. liv*) and I think it's pretty hard for her at the moment.
She is a really lovely lady, she has three kids and married a farmer with some huge amount of siblings like 6 or something. She's really down to earth and ... fair dinkum - she calls a spade a spade and tells you like it is.
so she's a bit choked right now.
ok I've got to go. I have to go see my sister. she's upset right now. this will work out. It will get better and soon enough everything will be alright.
Imma take my hankerchief that my other lovely substitute- grandma cousin gave me and wear something happy and commemorate his wonderful life,
everything must change and for growth to occur there must be some deaths.
oh gosh, his grandkids, at least he got to see them, I hope they remember him.
i can't believe it. his spirit is here for another day.
with lots of bewildered love, gwen (who is not at all gwen)
not sure what'll happen next.
xxx
My sister's not very well, I don't know, it's just a phase but she's in a lot of pain- and I don't know whether my mum's channelling my sister's pain or her illness is taking affect again but she's not too great either.
I have a funny kind of faith, all though I'm supposedly a 'Christian' it's more or less just a name I cap all my funny little beliefs under. It's more just a faith in life's journey; a belief that everything happens for a reason and everything comes good in the end.
ok so I'm on school holidays and I've had a superb break, absolutely amazing but over the past few days I've just slowed down, my body's exhausted and for some weird reason I've just slowed right down. And so, in accordance of my belief that : "everything happens for a reason" I think this is life telling me to stop moving so fast and umm 'stop and smell the roses'? A few more cliches perhaps? No, I kid. But I think there's only so much time that you can run away from your emotions.
My ... I don't know what to call him but in effect he was a grandpa, even if it was only for 7 years or so some of which I don't even think I was alive for. But anyway he was my grandma's second husband (they didn't last long), my mum's boss for a little while and her lifelong friend; to me: he was a gentle giant who had an amazing pond with red fish in it and a really tall house ( he was 6ft 9 so a house catered for someone of such height was pretty massive for a five year old )and he looked like a really big santa and had to wear stockings (for blood circulation or something).
I hate seeing everyone sick but I think this needs to happen.
Tomorrow's his funeral. this is the third one I've been to this year.
There are a lot of things that could have been done better, like visiting more or at least writing to him or even talking on the phone but that doesn't help anyone now.
I just wish I knew him better he sounds like he was an amazing man and it's a shame I didn't see that while he was alive ( i saw as the gentle but fragile giant in his old age but didn't accredit him for all his hard work and achievements in his age of prosperity ) turns out he helped many but i didn't know any of that.
the other thing he was for me was a grandfather figure, because both my mum's parents died young and my dad's are kind of disparate (my grandad's just a little odd really- mum wouldn't allow me to be alone with him, that kind of odd but lovely just not all there..). G.A. was just kind of there and he was always so proud but gentle at the same time, all I remember was him towering over me and his big white beard and he had an amazing chuckle. It's a weird, strange thing that he's gone.
I didn't even know he was unwell, it sounds like MJ.. he was 75.
he adopted a little girl (this is on the D.L. liv*) and I think it's pretty hard for her at the moment.
She is a really lovely lady, she has three kids and married a farmer with some huge amount of siblings like 6 or something. She's really down to earth and ... fair dinkum - she calls a spade a spade and tells you like it is.
so she's a bit choked right now.
ok I've got to go. I have to go see my sister. she's upset right now. this will work out. It will get better and soon enough everything will be alright.
Imma take my hankerchief that my other lovely substitute- grandma cousin gave me and wear something happy and commemorate his wonderful life,
everything must change and for growth to occur there must be some deaths.
oh gosh, his grandkids, at least he got to see them, I hope they remember him.
i can't believe it. his spirit is here for another day.
with lots of bewildered love, gwen (who is not at all gwen)
not sure what'll happen next.
xxx
Monday, June 29, 2009
A-A-A-ACHIEVEMENT
achieve.
today i did no world feats or extraordinary acts of kindness, i did not reach life ambition yet I feel as though I have achieved.
i bought a man shirt. [great for dancing i mean doing housework]
a cersatile and cheap dress
95 cent earrings
unpacked the dishwasher
i ironed 7 pieces of clothing
i lifted all items off the floor
i folded three loads of washing
i hung out one and brought one in
I had a LOVELYY chat with my crazy european animal-loving neighbour.
and i bought my mum a handbag (for which she i paying me back :D) that made her happy.
i like this satisfaction it's the firtst time i've ever felt this good on holidays.
other achievements:
arranging a catch-up with a friend i haven't seen in about 7 years
going on a train twice to a city bigger and better than mine
buying and carrying groceries home WITHOUT a car
enduring hardcore yoga
babysitting hyper-children
bought a denim jacket that i ADORE and a super warm scarf
got a flower on my nail on the kind behalf of a small asian lady
[really] tried to help my friend who needed a place to stay
watched an old batman movie
drank without consequences
ate thai. mmmm delicious
had two kebabs on two consecutive days. sooo delicious
sorted things out with chris skin corruption
had a lazy morning watching cartoons abd being warmed
stayed up until morning
made friends with boys.
i now have four friends who are boys WHOAAA
made a brooch
ran through a dark carpark
fell in love with music.
HMMMM. IZZ GOOD.
LOVE.
xx
today i did no world feats or extraordinary acts of kindness, i did not reach life ambition yet I feel as though I have achieved.
i bought a man shirt. [great for dancing i mean doing housework]
a cersatile and cheap dress
95 cent earrings
unpacked the dishwasher
i ironed 7 pieces of clothing
i lifted all items off the floor
i folded three loads of washing
i hung out one and brought one in
I had a LOVELYY chat with my crazy european animal-loving neighbour.
and i bought my mum a handbag (for which she i paying me back :D) that made her happy.
i like this satisfaction it's the firtst time i've ever felt this good on holidays.
other achievements:
arranging a catch-up with a friend i haven't seen in about 7 years
going on a train twice to a city bigger and better than mine
buying and carrying groceries home WITHOUT a car
enduring hardcore yoga
babysitting hyper-children
bought a denim jacket that i ADORE and a super warm scarf
got a flower on my nail on the kind behalf of a small asian lady
[really] tried to help my friend who needed a place to stay
watched an old batman movie
drank without consequences
ate thai. mmmm delicious
had two kebabs on two consecutive days. sooo delicious
sorted things out with chris skin corruption
had a lazy morning watching cartoons abd being warmed
stayed up until morning
made friends with boys.
i now have four friends who are boys WHOAAA
made a brooch
ran through a dark carpark
fell in love with music.
HMMMM. IZZ GOOD.
LOVE.
xx
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
The Climactic End to () the Fullest [who is, in fact, the emptiest]
oh and for your blogging information, To the Fullest is normal.
And is no longer a part of my life. Although he does linger in my thoughts.
SILLY ME. It was but hormones that set my love free.
xxRedNosedandPhlegmy Gwen who is Too sick to deal with Dissatisfaction
P.S. Liv is a lovely [hi liv!]
And is no longer a part of my life. Although he does linger in my thoughts.
SILLY ME. It was but hormones that set my love free.
xxRedNosedandPhlegmy Gwen who is Too sick to deal with Dissatisfaction
P.S. Liv is a lovely [hi liv!]
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Exhaustion and the Wandering mind that Ensues.
Living in France he liked to dance when he couldn’t prance or if he forgot his pants.
Life is too hard. For many, art is a vehicle of strength to get through life. Some dwell in the dark facets of the mind and use it as a tool release anger, while others use artistic expression as means of escape from reality.
This assignment is proving to be difficult for me.
especially with i or k
Life is too hard. For many, art is a vehicle of strength to get through life. Some dwell in the dark facets of the mind and use it as a tool release anger, while others use artistic expression as means of escape from reality.
This assignment is proving to be difficult for me.
especially with i or k
Friday, May 15, 2009
The Hover of Neglected Academia Above my Tired Brain
“People grow old only by deserting their ideals, Macarthur had written. Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up interest wrinkles the soul. You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt; as young as your self-confidence, as old as your fear; as young as your hope as old as your despair. In the central place of every heart there is a recording chamber. So long as it receives messages of beauty, hope, cheer and courage, so long are you young. When your heart is covered with the snows of pessimism and the ice of cynicism, then, and then only, are you grown old. And then, indeed as the ballad says, you just fade away.” Douglas MacArthur.
Sp many things i want to talk about. I have three assignmnents to do and then i'll have five minutes of freedom before the next task is handed out.
I come to think that assignment slowly grow to depend on me. I have difficulty sleeping have given birth to them, feeling as though I am neglecting their needs for growth. I think about various assignments ALL the time and although I love the feeling of their completion I have to sacrifice one of my other loves when I commit to them.
I need to write SO much more but for now I have to get this done.
I need to finish them. Pour all my thoughts onto a word document and try to fill the criteria of teachers.
One day I'll get the freedom for which I've so been longing. I'll be selfish and inefficient and timeless and free.
Sp many things i want to talk about. I have three assignmnents to do and then i'll have five minutes of freedom before the next task is handed out.
I come to think that assignment slowly grow to depend on me. I have difficulty sleeping have given birth to them, feeling as though I am neglecting their needs for growth. I think about various assignments ALL the time and although I love the feeling of their completion I have to sacrifice one of my other loves when I commit to them.
I need to write SO much more but for now I have to get this done.
I need to finish them. Pour all my thoughts onto a word document and try to fill the criteria of teachers.
One day I'll get the freedom for which I've so been longing. I'll be selfish and inefficient and timeless and free.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
I like a boy
ahhh Whilst Chris Skin Corruption has been in france- although he's just a friend he's a he who once liked me and thus a continuing romantic sector of my life ( my boy sector) and well it's been a little dim. I think it's because I am very jealous in truth if I were to try to be political I would say it's because I miss him and i miss not going to france and well the combination makes it hard for me to hear his anecdotes. Oh how I wish my mind were flexible enough for me to be able to cope with the knowledge that he's there I'm not. I suppose that's why I feel sad in a small way.
Gosh I dunno.
Anyways I like a boy his name is To the Fullest. He kept me warm on Saturday. We talked about life. For the first time I felt a connection. He seemed to listen to my every word. I wanted to be there forever.
Now I like him. Now I want more to happen with him. Now I cannot stop thinking about him. Now I keep on questioning the authenticity of my feelings for him.
I don't know if it's me just wanting anyone/someone to fill in a hole or if he is really special.
I kind of want to kiss him too. Shit I'm honest on this thing. For some reason I can admit things on here that I can't even admit to myself.
I'm a shit kisser, which I fear.
I fear he want be the ideal nice boy I think he is either and that he'll turn out to be normal and hurtful.
I'm scared about what he'll say to his friends about me (he goes to an all boys school- SOO MUCH TESTOSTERONE)
I liked holding hands with him
I liked him kissing me on the head.
I like snuggling in with him and feeling like our minds and bodies connected.
I like feeling safe in his arms and I especially liked the way he didn't grope me.Or try anything with me.
This is what I wrote the next day:
He kept my toes warm, the fire heated my face, the night was radiant and wonderfully romantic... He let me curl into him and he kept me warm.
We sat on rundown couches around a large fire on an expansive acreage and discussed philosophy. My head spun as we confessed our most covert thoughts.
Surreal bliss and loving honesty...
The emancipation of teenage drunken prosperity pulsing through our young veins.
We spoke of our love of family and music, of being hurt and the revelations of re-finding you identity...
I can't stop thinking of him.
I wish it were just like a movie: I like him he like me and we go out and everything happily ever after.
A wee bit soppy. Rather girly.
My whirlwind of feelings.
LOVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE GWEN
Gosh I dunno.
Anyways I like a boy his name is To the Fullest. He kept me warm on Saturday. We talked about life. For the first time I felt a connection. He seemed to listen to my every word. I wanted to be there forever.
Now I like him. Now I want more to happen with him. Now I cannot stop thinking about him. Now I keep on questioning the authenticity of my feelings for him.
I don't know if it's me just wanting anyone/someone to fill in a hole or if he is really special.
I kind of want to kiss him too. Shit I'm honest on this thing. For some reason I can admit things on here that I can't even admit to myself.
I'm a shit kisser, which I fear.
I fear he want be the ideal nice boy I think he is either and that he'll turn out to be normal and hurtful.
I'm scared about what he'll say to his friends about me (he goes to an all boys school- SOO MUCH TESTOSTERONE)
I liked holding hands with him
I liked him kissing me on the head.
I like snuggling in with him and feeling like our minds and bodies connected.
I like feeling safe in his arms and I especially liked the way he didn't grope me.Or try anything with me.
This is what I wrote the next day:
He kept my toes warm, the fire heated my face, the night was radiant and wonderfully romantic... He let me curl into him and he kept me warm.
We sat on rundown couches around a large fire on an expansive acreage and discussed philosophy. My head spun as we confessed our most covert thoughts.
Surreal bliss and loving honesty...
The emancipation of teenage drunken prosperity pulsing through our young veins.
We spoke of our love of family and music, of being hurt and the revelations of re-finding you identity...
I can't stop thinking of him.
I wish it were just like a movie: I like him he like me and we go out and everything happily ever after.
A wee bit soppy. Rather girly.
My whirlwind of feelings.
LOVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE GWEN
Thursday, April 23, 2009
A Quote of Which I Could Not Let Go.
"What has brought them to this temple... Escape from everyday life, with its painful crudity and hopeless dreariness from the fetters of one's own desires. A finely tempered nature longs to escape from this noisy cramped surroundings into the high mountains where the eye ranges freely through the still pure air and fondly traces out the restful contours apparently built for eternity."
(Albert Einstein)
(Albert Einstein)
The questionable rhetoric.
this is a preface to what will be SHIT:
Is depression a choice?
Is happiness a statement?
Is success just the evolution of religiously following rules and doing stuff right?
Can failure be singularly provoked?
Why does reason and logic cause my confusion than solutions?
Can individuality exist in a civilisation as advanced as ours?
How can one person affect my emotion so much?
How are mentalities so flexible?
I wish I could just be good again.
I wish I could find connection and understanding again.
I struggle in every aspect of life I'm sure; and I don't think I used to be this way.
I just want to get things right again.
WHY ARE MY QUESTIONS NEVER ANSWERED?
Why is finding the truth so hard to find?
And in this day of advanced communicative device why can't we express anything anymopre, why can't we say what we think? Why do things sound so different in our heads than in the air?
Why does time scare me so?
Do I believe in the things I believe because of influence or are they beliefs that are a part of me?
There's more. SO many more questions.
but now I will abide to the natural need to sleep after crying. Why that is I DON'T KNOW but I will accept it and sleep because for some reason God/creator decided to make us miss out on 8 hours of everyday and when He decided to make us depend on sleep. Questionable Decision oh mighty one.
LOTS OF rhetorical LOVE
and hidden messages of negativity,
GWENNN
WHY CAN'T MY MIND PRODUCE BLOGS?
Why do I have to lose stuff all the time like thoughts and I;D's?
Why do things need to be irretrievable?
Why can't I stop myself from continuing to type?
Why are people like Gwen so amazingly beautiful?
Why are people called Gwen?
Why do I speak English?
Why don't you just GO TO SLEEP GWENNNNNNN?
xxxSWEET DREAMS
Is depression a choice?
Is happiness a statement?
Is success just the evolution of religiously following rules and doing stuff right?
Can failure be singularly provoked?
Why does reason and logic cause my confusion than solutions?
Can individuality exist in a civilisation as advanced as ours?
How can one person affect my emotion so much?
How are mentalities so flexible?
I wish I could just be good again.
I wish I could find connection and understanding again.
I struggle in every aspect of life I'm sure; and I don't think I used to be this way.
I just want to get things right again.
WHY ARE MY QUESTIONS NEVER ANSWERED?
Why is finding the truth so hard to find?
And in this day of advanced communicative device why can't we express anything anymopre, why can't we say what we think? Why do things sound so different in our heads than in the air?
Why does time scare me so?
Do I believe in the things I believe because of influence or are they beliefs that are a part of me?
There's more. SO many more questions.
but now I will abide to the natural need to sleep after crying. Why that is I DON'T KNOW but I will accept it and sleep because for some reason God/creator decided to make us miss out on 8 hours of everyday and when He decided to make us depend on sleep. Questionable Decision oh mighty one.
LOTS OF rhetorical LOVE
and hidden messages of negativity,
GWENNN
WHY CAN'T MY MIND PRODUCE BLOGS?
Why do I have to lose stuff all the time like thoughts and I;D's?
Why do things need to be irretrievable?
Why can't I stop myself from continuing to type?
Why are people like Gwen so amazingly beautiful?
Why are people called Gwen?
Why do I speak English?
Why don't you just GO TO SLEEP GWENNNNNNN?
xxxSWEET DREAMS
Sunday, April 19, 2009
An Unfinished Preface for what will be a Magnificent Recollection of my Journey River Rapidding
Me:HEY How was your week?
Other: Oh Good. You know the usual: went on myspace, creeped a little, looked at some girls posing almost naked, read some deeply insightful yet strangely familiar plagiarised about me; ate alot; bored alot; home alot..
How bout you?
Me: Me. well First of all I packed bare minimum equipment to camp in the middle of the bush, far away from civilisation and dependence on other people, cooked my own dinner every night, paddled about 14 km every day through rapids and potentially body part-amputating trees, defying all pain and emotional restraints, dropping judgements of others and getting to know truly amazing people; even if they smell as bad as yourself and their clothes aren't trendy. Oh yeah and I almost lost my life getting taken down a large rapid that not even the instructors had ever attempted- and discovered an untampered strength within.
Other: Oh right. Um, Ok.
YAY FOR DUUUUUUUUKE. YAY FOR NATURE. YAY FOR LIFE JACKETS.
GAPS WILLLLL BE FILLLLLLLLLLLED!
LOTS of Love Gwen. Who currently lacks the time to fill the gaps but they will be!
Other: Oh Good. You know the usual: went on myspace, creeped a little, looked at some girls posing almost naked, read some deeply insightful yet strangely familiar plagiarised about me; ate alot; bored alot; home alot..
How bout you?
Me: Me. well First of all I packed bare minimum equipment to camp in the middle of the bush, far away from civilisation and dependence on other people, cooked my own dinner every night, paddled about 14 km every day through rapids and potentially body part-amputating trees, defying all pain and emotional restraints, dropping judgements of others and getting to know truly amazing people; even if they smell as bad as yourself and their clothes aren't trendy. Oh yeah and I almost lost my life getting taken down a large rapid that not even the instructors had ever attempted- and discovered an untampered strength within.
Other: Oh right. Um, Ok.
YAY FOR DUUUUUUUUKE. YAY FOR NATURE. YAY FOR LIFE JACKETS.
GAPS WILLLLL BE FILLLLLLLLLLLED!
LOTS of Love Gwen. Who currently lacks the time to fill the gaps but they will be!
Monday, April 13, 2009
My Restless Thoughts and my Reeling Mind.
I hate it when this happens to me.
Let me try to explain it: eventually and at times suddenly my to-do list becomes chocca-block. I constantly think about completely the tasks and consider to doing so 'right a way' but get get distracted or find something more important to do (which encompasses almost everything other than the thing that is in actual fact the most important.) I then decline all invitations to social outings. I than get depressed about being bored and lonely because I keep avoiding the task at hand, my friend described it as 'pretending to do work' but doing nothing else either. Time moves on until the task at hand reaches a level of urgency yet still I cannot just get the thing done. I grow distant from everyone as I fret about getting this thing done and suppose dly spend my time in the process of completing it but I don't still. And so I run out of time, inspiration and the feeling of achievement and become frantic, depressed and generally a hater of the world around me.
IT'S SO STUPID!
My poor mother cops the worst of it too. I really shouldn't but somehow I always find myself taking it out on her... Even though I love her. SO MUCH I love her more than anyone else and yet I take out the worst of my emotions out on her.
This week I'm going river rapidding.
I am hosting a cocktail of emotions in anticipation.
I've been on these things before and although you come home smelly, dirty and bones aching the people you spend the time with are amazing and the feeling of conquering pain and self-made limitations is indescribable- it's a sense of achievement otherwise unattainable.
At the end of the week after the expedition I hope I'll feel better because right now how I'm feeling isn't fun.
I feel like I'm wasting my time. I feel guilt for being a bitch towards my mum but at the same time I'm kind of mad at mum for taking over the preparation for this thins. Sure I like her making it a bit easier for me but she's really annoying me in how much she's fussing over every detail. And every time I look she's taken over the completion of another task. There are also three assignments I'm yet to do and I feel like all of them are so beyond me. I feel inadequate in every part of my life. Like I'm Just Not Good Enough.
Do we all feel this way sometimes? Like we're not good enough to be of any use to anyone? Like we are no less ordinary than the next person and much more ordinary than them?
I feel like everyone's asking so much of me and can't deliver to any of them.
I feel like my insecurities are pinning me down.
My fear of rejection, failure, inadequacy, disappointing people around me, of my dreams never coming true. It's like I am scared of everyone and everything and life in general.
The most annoying thing about it all is the fact that I know that if I'd just done what I needed to and got it out of the way than I wouldn't be in this position. I'm just so disappointed in myself at the moment it's silly how much it frustrates me when I'm not living life to its full[est] potential.
I just have so many dreams and I suppose expectations for my life ahead and I constantly am reminding myself of how short life really is and I think it makes me anxious to think of what I'm missing out on and how I'm ignoring the opportunities around me. I have all my limbs, an adequate brain and some people think I'm pretty. I have a good, solid family (although admittedly, they aren't all that solid at the moment- they fight constantly which I suppose is effecting me too) and I have wealth (not much but enough- a comfy bed and a homely house).
I have a quote from Dickens which describes it fairly adequately: "None are so anxious as those who watch and wait, and at these times, mournful fancies came flocking on her mind, in crowds."
This transposes into my life in the fact that my sisters are much older than I and I watch them live their exciting grown up lives and I sit restricted by my age and the rule of my parents and look out my window wondering of the world beyond. I just look at the sky and think about those in the places I want to be in who also look at the clouds wondering if our thoughts are collateral or if I'm the only person in the whole world who would rather be 1000 places elsewhere.
So I leave it as this. Dissatisfied and trying really hard to live up to the expectation of those around me. I'm going to try to finish at least one assignment before I go away to river rapid land tomorrow.
I recently did a personality test that said that I have a tendency to yearn for human connection but have a contradictory need for privacy.
Right now I have neither. And would love both.
I'll be happy again soon I know it.
Hopefully my dreams will come true and I'll be able to be the person I want to be, and I'll be able to live the life I want to live but right now, I'm not allowed those things, I have to be the person I am and just deal with it. Make the most of it. My dreams won't die however and I"ll continue to ponder of the world beyond.. Beyond my window and my patch of sky to ogle at.
I hate my life right now but it's only temporary. I'll get used to assignments and my family will find peace in each other's company. For now it's all about sacrifice and hard work. So hello dirty nails and goodbye social life. I'm a school girl with a dream not an up and coming journalist. Not a funny and intelligent and somewhat stunning socialite. A school girl in uniform working hard to get an education and to learn and to aim for good grades. Let's get this identity bit right. I might have something special about me but it won't surface until I graduate, we might see glimpses but for now I'm just like everyone else. Settling for second best and clawing to get up to first best.
Bloody expectations.
Lots of love Gwen.
Let me try to explain it: eventually and at times suddenly my to-do list becomes chocca-block. I constantly think about completely the tasks and consider to doing so 'right a way' but get get distracted or find something more important to do (which encompasses almost everything other than the thing that is in actual fact the most important.) I then decline all invitations to social outings. I than get depressed about being bored and lonely because I keep avoiding the task at hand, my friend described it as 'pretending to do work' but doing nothing else either. Time moves on until the task at hand reaches a level of urgency yet still I cannot just get the thing done. I grow distant from everyone as I fret about getting this thing done and suppose dly spend my time in the process of completing it but I don't still. And so I run out of time, inspiration and the feeling of achievement and become frantic, depressed and generally a hater of the world around me.
IT'S SO STUPID!
My poor mother cops the worst of it too. I really shouldn't but somehow I always find myself taking it out on her... Even though I love her. SO MUCH I love her more than anyone else and yet I take out the worst of my emotions out on her.
This week I'm going river rapidding.
I am hosting a cocktail of emotions in anticipation.
I've been on these things before and although you come home smelly, dirty and bones aching the people you spend the time with are amazing and the feeling of conquering pain and self-made limitations is indescribable- it's a sense of achievement otherwise unattainable.
At the end of the week after the expedition I hope I'll feel better because right now how I'm feeling isn't fun.
I feel like I'm wasting my time. I feel guilt for being a bitch towards my mum but at the same time I'm kind of mad at mum for taking over the preparation for this thins. Sure I like her making it a bit easier for me but she's really annoying me in how much she's fussing over every detail. And every time I look she's taken over the completion of another task. There are also three assignments I'm yet to do and I feel like all of them are so beyond me. I feel inadequate in every part of my life. Like I'm Just Not Good Enough.
Do we all feel this way sometimes? Like we're not good enough to be of any use to anyone? Like we are no less ordinary than the next person and much more ordinary than them?
I feel like everyone's asking so much of me and can't deliver to any of them.
I feel like my insecurities are pinning me down.
My fear of rejection, failure, inadequacy, disappointing people around me, of my dreams never coming true. It's like I am scared of everyone and everything and life in general.
The most annoying thing about it all is the fact that I know that if I'd just done what I needed to and got it out of the way than I wouldn't be in this position. I'm just so disappointed in myself at the moment it's silly how much it frustrates me when I'm not living life to its full[est] potential.
I just have so many dreams and I suppose expectations for my life ahead and I constantly am reminding myself of how short life really is and I think it makes me anxious to think of what I'm missing out on and how I'm ignoring the opportunities around me. I have all my limbs, an adequate brain and some people think I'm pretty. I have a good, solid family (although admittedly, they aren't all that solid at the moment- they fight constantly which I suppose is effecting me too) and I have wealth (not much but enough- a comfy bed and a homely house).
I have a quote from Dickens which describes it fairly adequately: "None are so anxious as those who watch and wait, and at these times, mournful fancies came flocking on her mind, in crowds."
This transposes into my life in the fact that my sisters are much older than I and I watch them live their exciting grown up lives and I sit restricted by my age and the rule of my parents and look out my window wondering of the world beyond. I just look at the sky and think about those in the places I want to be in who also look at the clouds wondering if our thoughts are collateral or if I'm the only person in the whole world who would rather be 1000 places elsewhere.
So I leave it as this. Dissatisfied and trying really hard to live up to the expectation of those around me. I'm going to try to finish at least one assignment before I go away to river rapid land tomorrow.
I recently did a personality test that said that I have a tendency to yearn for human connection but have a contradictory need for privacy.
Right now I have neither. And would love both.
I'll be happy again soon I know it.
Hopefully my dreams will come true and I'll be able to be the person I want to be, and I'll be able to live the life I want to live but right now, I'm not allowed those things, I have to be the person I am and just deal with it. Make the most of it. My dreams won't die however and I"ll continue to ponder of the world beyond.. Beyond my window and my patch of sky to ogle at.
I hate my life right now but it's only temporary. I'll get used to assignments and my family will find peace in each other's company. For now it's all about sacrifice and hard work. So hello dirty nails and goodbye social life. I'm a school girl with a dream not an up and coming journalist. Not a funny and intelligent and somewhat stunning socialite. A school girl in uniform working hard to get an education and to learn and to aim for good grades. Let's get this identity bit right. I might have something special about me but it won't surface until I graduate, we might see glimpses but for now I'm just like everyone else. Settling for second best and clawing to get up to first best.
Bloody expectations.
Lots of love Gwen.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
A Confrontation with Identity and the Resolution of Physical Exertion
Yesterday I received my maths B results: the worst I've ever received- a D for disillusion.
So I thought everything was going to be fine. I didn't do the correct amount of homework and I did minimal study (I tried but every time I made a mistake or lacked understanding my concentration would evade me and off I'd drift like a kite in a breeze)but for some reason I left the test with a feeling of minimalistic conquest. Thinking that I'd at least pass, knowing I hadn't done well.
I felt really awful about that result.
I think because It's almost as if I my grades are apart of my identity and the concept of less than a failure did not fit in to my previous ideology of myself.
In many ways I am a perfectionist, ambitious is a kinder way to describe it. I have little control over a lot of things in my life but my grades, I feel, are one of the few things my efforts can actually influence. And I quite like control.
Well, that and approval. I love being able to tell my parents with a puffed chest and beaming smile I got a b+ or higher or in maths anything above a c+ and I suppose that's what expect of myself, it's almost what I work for, which I know is wrong but it's the truth.
However: I like creativity, analysis and philosophy. I like the floral things. The things that are unproven and have multiple reasons.
I don't like things straight forward because if it's an answer I don't like than that's what it is and there is no other way about it. The absolute truth scares me.
I like starting again and having a new chance; in fact I love anything new. I also like things old because they teach us what we'd otherwise be unable to learn; learning from mistakes.
I think I'm just not minded that way- towards maths and science. I do like mechanics though: how things work- deconstruction.
I'm stubborn, I like to work at things until I get them right. I hate leaving an answer unsolved. I love figuring out what's gone wrong, working out the mistake and finding a solution. I like finding my flaws so that I can correct them. I like finding my talents so that I can manipulate them. I hate failure and to quit.
I flourish on success and diligence.
Failure scares me. And when faced with it I retreat. I have this want to give up all together.
Today, quitting school and having four children and my dream home, dream job was a temptation. I considered it like a sensible option. I considered running away from home moving to another city and being a waitress or something. Just giving up what I have now to be someone else, someone more exciting.
This morning my feeling of self pity was overwhelming. It took me 45 minutes just to eat breakfast and as I was getting ready for school I cried. Yesterday in my last three lessons my lips trembled and when I got home I was furious with my teaching. The full wrath of my blame bestowed upon him.
But than I ran cross country. Four kilometres of mud and heat. Of pushing myself beyond self-limitations. It clarified it all.
I decided I would quit maths B, yes QUIT, and move to the easier maths. I just feel that my pride cannot handle another subject failure and that if I move to Maths A I'll have a heavier drive with some sort of optimism in my potential in maths.
The thing that hurt most with this maths business was the gradual slip. The painful degradation. I used to be quite good at maths. I began yr 10 in topstream maths meaning I was one of the top 60 in the whole grade. And slowly I worsened. B+ to B to B- to C+ to D. In my other subjects it's different. I work hard and I'm actually interested in what's being taught; in maths I memorise, misunderstand and depend on repetitive practise of methods.
I think it's pointless to put myself through so much pain for no reason. If I need maths B for a uni course than I'll do a course out of school to condense the teachings and stress of maths B at school with six weeks. You can do that, my friend did it.
Sometimes push is important. Using adversities as a stepping stone for becoming someone better and achieving your goal. Other times we need to face our flaws and accept them. I can't do that very well. But we need to reach our potential.
A d average in maths B isn't going to get me anywhere. a b- in maths a will.
I once heard a motherly figure say on an old fashioned movie: "Sometimes we have to accept something as being second best and we learn tolerate it, but if we're lucky, occasionally what we consider second best is considered first best and that's just an added bonus."
I ideally I'd like to work hard up to a B in maths b. To overcome my flaws and become a stronger person. But I think what I need to do in this current situation is to swallow my pride and take the easier option. I'll have enough adversities to face in the next two years inevitably, why add the extra pressure and suffer the poor grades when you can do better is something more suitable to your traits?
Good morals and a big work ethic are important but sometimes standards can alter. Sometimes we need to get our priorities right and consider the outside circumstances to make the most appropriate decision.
This is where I'm at. I shall rest my aching bones and take into consideration all other things over the next few days. My mind is weary and hence my reason is in a similar state at the present time. Running four kilometres is an unusual occurrence for me and so is getting a D. Sometimes things are forced upon us that antithetical to aspects of our perceptions of ourselves and we forced to confront identity and to reshape our mantra.
I don't know if I'm making the right decision. I don't know how much of this is truth and how much is laziness and my pride convincing my intuition of an easier option. But if I can be better, if I can stress less and better enjoy life perhaps this is right, perhaps I'm stumbling upon the right path. I'm not sure.
I s'pose I'll work my butt off either way and see how I go. That's the most I can do at this stage. Thankyou for listening.
X GWEN
So I thought everything was going to be fine. I didn't do the correct amount of homework and I did minimal study (I tried but every time I made a mistake or lacked understanding my concentration would evade me and off I'd drift like a kite in a breeze)but for some reason I left the test with a feeling of minimalistic conquest. Thinking that I'd at least pass, knowing I hadn't done well.
I felt really awful about that result.
I think because It's almost as if I my grades are apart of my identity and the concept of less than a failure did not fit in to my previous ideology of myself.
In many ways I am a perfectionist, ambitious is a kinder way to describe it. I have little control over a lot of things in my life but my grades, I feel, are one of the few things my efforts can actually influence. And I quite like control.
Well, that and approval. I love being able to tell my parents with a puffed chest and beaming smile I got a b+ or higher or in maths anything above a c+ and I suppose that's what expect of myself, it's almost what I work for, which I know is wrong but it's the truth.
However: I like creativity, analysis and philosophy. I like the floral things. The things that are unproven and have multiple reasons.
I don't like things straight forward because if it's an answer I don't like than that's what it is and there is no other way about it. The absolute truth scares me.
I like starting again and having a new chance; in fact I love anything new. I also like things old because they teach us what we'd otherwise be unable to learn; learning from mistakes.
I think I'm just not minded that way- towards maths and science. I do like mechanics though: how things work- deconstruction.
I'm stubborn, I like to work at things until I get them right. I hate leaving an answer unsolved. I love figuring out what's gone wrong, working out the mistake and finding a solution. I like finding my flaws so that I can correct them. I like finding my talents so that I can manipulate them. I hate failure and to quit.
I flourish on success and diligence.
Failure scares me. And when faced with it I retreat. I have this want to give up all together.
Today, quitting school and having four children and my dream home, dream job was a temptation. I considered it like a sensible option. I considered running away from home moving to another city and being a waitress or something. Just giving up what I have now to be someone else, someone more exciting.
This morning my feeling of self pity was overwhelming. It took me 45 minutes just to eat breakfast and as I was getting ready for school I cried. Yesterday in my last three lessons my lips trembled and when I got home I was furious with my teaching. The full wrath of my blame bestowed upon him.
But than I ran cross country. Four kilometres of mud and heat. Of pushing myself beyond self-limitations. It clarified it all.
I decided I would quit maths B, yes QUIT, and move to the easier maths. I just feel that my pride cannot handle another subject failure and that if I move to Maths A I'll have a heavier drive with some sort of optimism in my potential in maths.
The thing that hurt most with this maths business was the gradual slip. The painful degradation. I used to be quite good at maths. I began yr 10 in topstream maths meaning I was one of the top 60 in the whole grade. And slowly I worsened. B+ to B to B- to C+ to D. In my other subjects it's different. I work hard and I'm actually interested in what's being taught; in maths I memorise, misunderstand and depend on repetitive practise of methods.
I think it's pointless to put myself through so much pain for no reason. If I need maths B for a uni course than I'll do a course out of school to condense the teachings and stress of maths B at school with six weeks. You can do that, my friend did it.
Sometimes push is important. Using adversities as a stepping stone for becoming someone better and achieving your goal. Other times we need to face our flaws and accept them. I can't do that very well. But we need to reach our potential.
A d average in maths B isn't going to get me anywhere. a b- in maths a will.
I once heard a motherly figure say on an old fashioned movie: "Sometimes we have to accept something as being second best and we learn tolerate it, but if we're lucky, occasionally what we consider second best is considered first best and that's just an added bonus."
I ideally I'd like to work hard up to a B in maths b. To overcome my flaws and become a stronger person. But I think what I need to do in this current situation is to swallow my pride and take the easier option. I'll have enough adversities to face in the next two years inevitably, why add the extra pressure and suffer the poor grades when you can do better is something more suitable to your traits?
Good morals and a big work ethic are important but sometimes standards can alter. Sometimes we need to get our priorities right and consider the outside circumstances to make the most appropriate decision.
This is where I'm at. I shall rest my aching bones and take into consideration all other things over the next few days. My mind is weary and hence my reason is in a similar state at the present time. Running four kilometres is an unusual occurrence for me and so is getting a D. Sometimes things are forced upon us that antithetical to aspects of our perceptions of ourselves and we forced to confront identity and to reshape our mantra.
I don't know if I'm making the right decision. I don't know how much of this is truth and how much is laziness and my pride convincing my intuition of an easier option. But if I can be better, if I can stress less and better enjoy life perhaps this is right, perhaps I'm stumbling upon the right path. I'm not sure.
I s'pose I'll work my butt off either way and see how I go. That's the most I can do at this stage. Thankyou for listening.
X GWEN
Sunday, March 29, 2009
How to Elongate a Week, Bless a Child and the Fulfilment of Thirteen Friends.
"I love these little people , and it is not a slight thing when they, who are so fresh from God, love us." Charles Dickens, The Old Curiosity Shop, 1840.
This is what my mother wrote in the christening card of my small cousin this morning. She is beautiful. Children have this natural gift of putting things in to perspective. Through their naturalistic way of life they allow us to see how we should be and make us realise that they who seem so distant are in fact reflections of what we were and are perfect in this natural state.
I spend a lot of time pondering the concept of 'being';
Who should I be?
Who am I?
Am I perceived the way I perceive myself?
Last night I went to a school party. Not a party at the school but a friend's 16th party that my entire grade attended. It was messy.
I think that, standing in that small hall I felt the least confidence I have ever felt. I felt ugly, foolish, geeky, alone, unattractive, boring, nervous, out of place and diversify-ing-ly sober. Everyone was drunk and paying attention to one another, except me. I just felt like I was wasting my time. These people were all showing off to each other everyone there to impress (even I had impression as an intention- I thought I looked great and that everyone would notice) I might as well have been invisible.
The party ended early. To cut a long story short, I went home at 9.30. I went home to my sisters and I was so happy to be with them. So happy to be with people who I understood and people who accept me, for my flaws, for my talents and even when I have my period and turn into a malevolent bitch. We didn't drink. We didn't engage in incredible, defamatory gossip. We sat under a sheet and watched Pirate's of the Caribbean under a hole-y blanket and for the first time that night I felt good (It helped also having eating a large bowl of chocolate pudding-style emotion.)
My sister concluded that although drinking can be fun (I'd be lying if I said I wasn't partial to a shot or three), but sometimes the traditional stay up late and talk sleepover is still so much fun. My birthday was on Friday, the aforementioned drunken party was on the saturday and my cousin's christening: today (sunday).
My birthday was so beautiful. From 12-1 I finished my artist's statement, which made me happy because I think I said what I wanted to say well. However, this only allowed me six hours sleep because I was born at 7.15 a.m. and I couldn't sleep past then now could I?. And so I woke up feeling a little sorry for myself but half excited about the prospects of the birthday that was to come. My blinds were open enough to reveal a beautiful blue sky and sun was beaming. Dad walked in with an earl grey in a fine china mug. Tea is my biggest fetish. I proceeded to open my presents all of which were humble, thoughtful and beautiful.
Off to the beach we headed. My sister, dog and me. Executing the uncanny rights of birthdays, I made the others wait for me to eat a hot breakfast and a leafy tea (the tea came free and the restaurant became my favourite.) And after wandered to this trendy, little independent store near by and again made dog and sister wait while I indulged in selfish birthday impulse to buy a little skirt: on sale one-off design made from vintage fabrics. UBER COOL.
We came home, Farewelled my grandmother who has the best intentions but seems to be offensive and invasive without a drop of sweat or a moment of planning and tears welled up in her eyes. She said to me, arm wrapped around me, "thankyou for being you" and I said the same to her; contrary to my complaints, she is my only grandma and I love her, inalienably.
I prep'd the house for my partay and was suprised to find my other sister who I thought had been at work an hour away, at home. That was so exciting for me plus I was then able to open my present from her too. Which was an amazing CD, WHICH I played full bore, excitedly dancing and cleaning. You men don't even know what you're missing out on without the ability to multi-task.
13 of my closest friends came over and we sat, ate and drank (softdrink) and watched Grease and dance movies.
I had 3 hours of sleep most of them came over at 6 p.m on friday and the last guests left at 1 p.m. which meant I spoke for 17 hours non-stop. It was SO MUCH FUN!
It made me really appreciate my friends but even more it made me appreciate my family. They made so much delicious food, they laid out beds and before I knew it they'd cleaned everything and put it back to normal.
After world's longest week, this weekend has really put things in perspective.
I've realised there is a life out of school, that being 'the cool kid' isn't fun or cool, that being yourself is very important and how we are made to be and that in friends and family you can find justification for who you are and why you are the way you are.
I had an epiphany the other day that you can find something good in everyone in the same way that you can find something ugly. And Everyone Has Flaws. Why create another by being insecure. It's ironic in the way that most people who are insecure are trying to manicure their personality into being perfect, they try to erase their flaws but in doing so they create another flaw which is more noticeable than all the others. And so I will be me more from now on. I will harness my talent and manipulate it into skill and I will meet new people through an open-minded viewpoint.
All of this week has just been super stressful. I have a strong susceptibility of perfectionism in my schoolwork and I think I pushed myself a little too hard in hind site. I adore art. But I think I just need to allow things to evolve rather than crafting and chipping away at them. I cam home everyday and could hardly keep my eyes open I spent three of five days and about 25 hours looking up close at every detail. I unnecessarily exhausted myself.
My message is that no matter what you do, as long as you work hard in preparation, set up the framework diligently than things can evolve and you can stumble upon something perfect.
I'm going to leave, having fallen in love with life, willing to embrace its good and its bad and aim to appreciate those around me, appreciate myself and not try to be someone else and allow things to happen without pedantically crafting and moulding because than you lose what had to begin with. Be kind and fair and patient. and look after yourself and those around you.
I hope that, if you read this, I help you and you don't laugh too hard at my cheesiness.
LOTS OF LOVE GWEN.
Sweet Dreams!
xx
This is what my mother wrote in the christening card of my small cousin this morning. She is beautiful. Children have this natural gift of putting things in to perspective. Through their naturalistic way of life they allow us to see how we should be and make us realise that they who seem so distant are in fact reflections of what we were and are perfect in this natural state.
I spend a lot of time pondering the concept of 'being';
Who should I be?
Who am I?
Am I perceived the way I perceive myself?
Last night I went to a school party. Not a party at the school but a friend's 16th party that my entire grade attended. It was messy.
I think that, standing in that small hall I felt the least confidence I have ever felt. I felt ugly, foolish, geeky, alone, unattractive, boring, nervous, out of place and diversify-ing-ly sober. Everyone was drunk and paying attention to one another, except me. I just felt like I was wasting my time. These people were all showing off to each other everyone there to impress (even I had impression as an intention- I thought I looked great and that everyone would notice) I might as well have been invisible.
The party ended early. To cut a long story short, I went home at 9.30. I went home to my sisters and I was so happy to be with them. So happy to be with people who I understood and people who accept me, for my flaws, for my talents and even when I have my period and turn into a malevolent bitch. We didn't drink. We didn't engage in incredible, defamatory gossip. We sat under a sheet and watched Pirate's of the Caribbean under a hole-y blanket and for the first time that night I felt good (It helped also having eating a large bowl of chocolate pudding-style emotion.)
My sister concluded that although drinking can be fun (I'd be lying if I said I wasn't partial to a shot or three), but sometimes the traditional stay up late and talk sleepover is still so much fun. My birthday was on Friday, the aforementioned drunken party was on the saturday and my cousin's christening: today (sunday).
My birthday was so beautiful. From 12-1 I finished my artist's statement, which made me happy because I think I said what I wanted to say well. However, this only allowed me six hours sleep because I was born at 7.15 a.m. and I couldn't sleep past then now could I?. And so I woke up feeling a little sorry for myself but half excited about the prospects of the birthday that was to come. My blinds were open enough to reveal a beautiful blue sky and sun was beaming. Dad walked in with an earl grey in a fine china mug. Tea is my biggest fetish. I proceeded to open my presents all of which were humble, thoughtful and beautiful.
Off to the beach we headed. My sister, dog and me. Executing the uncanny rights of birthdays, I made the others wait for me to eat a hot breakfast and a leafy tea (the tea came free and the restaurant became my favourite.) And after wandered to this trendy, little independent store near by and again made dog and sister wait while I indulged in selfish birthday impulse to buy a little skirt: on sale one-off design made from vintage fabrics. UBER COOL.
We came home, Farewelled my grandmother who has the best intentions but seems to be offensive and invasive without a drop of sweat or a moment of planning and tears welled up in her eyes. She said to me, arm wrapped around me, "thankyou for being you" and I said the same to her; contrary to my complaints, she is my only grandma and I love her, inalienably.
I prep'd the house for my partay and was suprised to find my other sister who I thought had been at work an hour away, at home. That was so exciting for me plus I was then able to open my present from her too. Which was an amazing CD, WHICH I played full bore, excitedly dancing and cleaning. You men don't even know what you're missing out on without the ability to multi-task.
13 of my closest friends came over and we sat, ate and drank (softdrink) and watched Grease and dance movies.
I had 3 hours of sleep most of them came over at 6 p.m on friday and the last guests left at 1 p.m. which meant I spoke for 17 hours non-stop. It was SO MUCH FUN!
It made me really appreciate my friends but even more it made me appreciate my family. They made so much delicious food, they laid out beds and before I knew it they'd cleaned everything and put it back to normal.
After world's longest week, this weekend has really put things in perspective.
I've realised there is a life out of school, that being 'the cool kid' isn't fun or cool, that being yourself is very important and how we are made to be and that in friends and family you can find justification for who you are and why you are the way you are.
I had an epiphany the other day that you can find something good in everyone in the same way that you can find something ugly. And Everyone Has Flaws. Why create another by being insecure. It's ironic in the way that most people who are insecure are trying to manicure their personality into being perfect, they try to erase their flaws but in doing so they create another flaw which is more noticeable than all the others. And so I will be me more from now on. I will harness my talent and manipulate it into skill and I will meet new people through an open-minded viewpoint.
All of this week has just been super stressful. I have a strong susceptibility of perfectionism in my schoolwork and I think I pushed myself a little too hard in hind site. I adore art. But I think I just need to allow things to evolve rather than crafting and chipping away at them. I cam home everyday and could hardly keep my eyes open I spent three of five days and about 25 hours looking up close at every detail. I unnecessarily exhausted myself.
My message is that no matter what you do, as long as you work hard in preparation, set up the framework diligently than things can evolve and you can stumble upon something perfect.
I'm going to leave, having fallen in love with life, willing to embrace its good and its bad and aim to appreciate those around me, appreciate myself and not try to be someone else and allow things to happen without pedantically crafting and moulding because than you lose what had to begin with. Be kind and fair and patient. and look after yourself and those around you.
I hope that, if you read this, I help you and you don't laugh too hard at my cheesiness.
LOTS OF LOVE GWEN.
Sweet Dreams!
xx
Saturday, March 21, 2009
No Longer wanted in the art world.
Things seen on a regular basis are often blended into a multitude of daily thoughts and visual stimuli, often forgotten, left lying dormant in the sub-conscience of one’s mind. Sometimes, however, when we have not seen a particular object for a period of time or when an event occurs and changes our mentalities, the thing which we have taken for granted has a new light shed upon it and suddenly whatever it was that had been forgotten and ignored previously, is now demanding attention, the object becoming newly discernible. At other times identity can also be lost when surrounded by many, things can become ‘lost in a crowd’. For example a tree is a tree until it is surrounded by other trees where it becomes a part of a forest.
SO OFF TO THE BLOG CYBERRING WORLD IT TRAVELLLLS.
SO OFF TO THE BLOG CYBERRING WORLD IT TRAVELLLLS.
Friday, March 20, 2009
A Few Points
A must write: the story of Pan.
The stories of those whom I met on my travel to New Caledonie- the son that was, the boy with the kind eyes, tribal living, the exotic warmth and the beach hut.
My love of watermelon and flowers, jeans and t-shirts that come to you.
Whittaker's White Chocolate.
My love of making abstract art.
My Goals & My Whiteboard, my love of photos.
My love of my dog, my love of yoga.
the story of my mother.
My story of having googly eyes.
My study depression, hanging out the washing and my realisation of the environment outside of my room- big trees, whistling birds, the dog that never stops barking and the rooster.
My phlegmy neighbour,
my hatred for english at school.
My hormonal monster transformation and its affect on adolescence.
My Poor mother. The First Aid Kit.Music and its transposition of emotion and art and its way of forever being relative.
THE BLANKS WILL BE FILLED. PATIENCE.
Love Gwen.
The stories of those whom I met on my travel to New Caledonie- the son that was, the boy with the kind eyes, tribal living, the exotic warmth and the beach hut.
My love of watermelon and flowers, jeans and t-shirts that come to you.
Whittaker's White Chocolate.
My love of making abstract art.
My Goals & My Whiteboard, my love of photos.
My love of my dog, my love of yoga.
the story of my mother.
My story of having googly eyes.
My study depression, hanging out the washing and my realisation of the environment outside of my room- big trees, whistling birds, the dog that never stops barking and the rooster.
My phlegmy neighbour,
my hatred for english at school.
My hormonal monster transformation and its affect on adolescence.
My Poor mother. The First Aid Kit.Music and its transposition of emotion and art and its way of forever being relative.
THE BLANKS WILL BE FILLED. PATIENCE.
Love Gwen.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
An Angry Day; But Really it was Just a Good Day Spoilt,
Today should've been an excellent day.
Today, however has left me feeling frantic, tired and insomniatic (hehe that's not a word).
I just want to go to sleep,but I can't.
my head hits the pillow, my thoughts swelter in my head, my eyes droop but remain open. stubborn bastards that they are.
today I experienced how a few words of repeated (and possibly paraphrased) words can can change your entire perception.
There's a boy. OH LORD HERE WE GOOOO. He'll be known as Chris Skin Corruption, him and I have what some people call a 'thing'. As in when we spend time together/hanging out and what not people ask us if there's something going on.
To be honest I wouldn't even know if there was.
He tells me there isn't, I believe him and then a month later someone tells me he had feelings for me a month prior.
I am unable to determine my exact feelings for him. I don't really find myself drawn to him though.
Yet everytime (and it happens in cycles) I start talking to him again the shit hits the fan as it seems. I go through this mental turmoil of does he like or doesn't he? "am I being self-obsessed?" I ask myself and often " WHAT'S GOING ONNNNN "
it's frustrating because to a certain degree I like honesty.
And to a certain degree I think I'll always like him a little bit. We click and he makes me feel pretty, as superficial as that may sound; there are ALOT of people who make me feel fat, ugly and out of place he doesn't.
Today however changed me.
I was talking to a friend this afternoon, well in all honesty it couldn't be called talking; we were having the definitive conversation type known as 'bitching'.
A name would be brought up and we would let loose. I don't even remember what we were actually saying but the things we were saying weren't nice. A lot of gossip also.
This girl, she is also good friends with Chris Skin Corruption, we are the two 'main' girls in his life.
At my school the formal or the 'prom' which is held at the end of year 12 and is the last major function of our school lives and you will be judged on everything.
I have been planning my dress since year 7 and the issue of whom will be taken by whom has been a weekly if not daily topic of conversation for the past two years.
This friend: Yoo Fuh shall be her name, told me that Chris Skin Corruption that he had not asked either of us to the formal as of yet due to the fact that he was afraid of hurting our feelings. You might think "awww, cute; what a sensitive new age boy!"
I think "BASTARD. Of course I wouldn't be offended. I'll just get another bloody partner if he asks someone else. I cannot believe he thought of me so desperate."
I am pretty sensitive at the moment but whatever, to hell with restricted emotions.
ALL I WANT IS TO HAVE SOMEONE TAKE SOME KIND OF DIRECTION SO THAT I CAN KNOW WHAT I'M DOING.
I don't want to be sitting here thinking oh shit what if this person rejects me, or this one, would this person be avilable. I MEAN FOR CHRIST'S SAKE THERE'S NO TIME FOR THAT SHIT. I have a maths test to study for, a french writing task to scribble, an art prac to hopefully make magnificent and another assignment for art to try and perfect.
So what I concluded, after a briefly angry interlude, I will ask Kitchardd Rummekin whom I've known prior to birth. Our sisters went through school together, our mums discussed the feelings of having us inside and him and I played with tonka trucks and made sandcastles in prep. He was my mate.
The only slight issues is that I have not spoken to him for about four years. I don't even know who his friends are. I don't even know his interests.
All I know is: he has blonde hair, blue eyes and a slight skip to his walk.
His family is welsh, and if nothing's changed in four years he has a strange accent.
I'm Australian by the way.
He's fairly placid and he has a slight skip to his walk, I think he has that thing where you walk on you tip-e-toes.
I don't know whether to just bite the apple or dilly-dally.
Will you go to the formal with me?
Do you wanna go to the formal with me?
Hey you! I thought perhaps because we've known each other our whole lives- Do you remember playing trucks in the sandpit?--- I thought we could go to the formal together?
I'll definitely be wearing make-up to school tomorrow.
other things I'm nervous about: My drama performance tomorrow. I have to transform into an old man, with fiddling fingers and lots of money who was invented as a character about 1500 years ago or more. We also have to be funny. And this shit will be improvised, no scripts just costumes, props and wit.
SCARY.
My maths test, haven't completed any homework and I'm scared. I keep on thinking; a two hour test, obscure questions and lots of lined paper.
What if I freeze up?
What if I think I understand them and get them completely wrong?
What if I cry in the exam?
Shit.
I need to sleep.
so I'll leave you all and this incomplete shit-a-licious blog to contemplate and feel the gentle breeze of hush-a-bye mountain.
Thankyou if you read this.
GOOD NIGHT EVERYONE,
xGwen
Today, however has left me feeling frantic, tired and insomniatic (hehe that's not a word).
I just want to go to sleep,but I can't.
my head hits the pillow, my thoughts swelter in my head, my eyes droop but remain open. stubborn bastards that they are.
today I experienced how a few words of repeated (and possibly paraphrased) words can can change your entire perception.
There's a boy. OH LORD HERE WE GOOOO. He'll be known as Chris Skin Corruption, him and I have what some people call a 'thing'. As in when we spend time together/hanging out and what not people ask us if there's something going on.
To be honest I wouldn't even know if there was.
He tells me there isn't, I believe him and then a month later someone tells me he had feelings for me a month prior.
I am unable to determine my exact feelings for him. I don't really find myself drawn to him though.
Yet everytime (and it happens in cycles) I start talking to him again the shit hits the fan as it seems. I go through this mental turmoil of does he like or doesn't he? "am I being self-obsessed?" I ask myself and often " WHAT'S GOING ONNNNN "
it's frustrating because to a certain degree I like honesty.
And to a certain degree I think I'll always like him a little bit. We click and he makes me feel pretty, as superficial as that may sound; there are ALOT of people who make me feel fat, ugly and out of place he doesn't.
Today however changed me.
I was talking to a friend this afternoon, well in all honesty it couldn't be called talking; we were having the definitive conversation type known as 'bitching'.
A name would be brought up and we would let loose. I don't even remember what we were actually saying but the things we were saying weren't nice. A lot of gossip also.
This girl, she is also good friends with Chris Skin Corruption, we are the two 'main' girls in his life.
At my school the formal or the 'prom' which is held at the end of year 12 and is the last major function of our school lives and you will be judged on everything.
I have been planning my dress since year 7 and the issue of whom will be taken by whom has been a weekly if not daily topic of conversation for the past two years.
This friend: Yoo Fuh shall be her name, told me that Chris Skin Corruption that he had not asked either of us to the formal as of yet due to the fact that he was afraid of hurting our feelings. You might think "awww, cute; what a sensitive new age boy!"
I think "BASTARD. Of course I wouldn't be offended. I'll just get another bloody partner if he asks someone else. I cannot believe he thought of me so desperate."
I am pretty sensitive at the moment but whatever, to hell with restricted emotions.
ALL I WANT IS TO HAVE SOMEONE TAKE SOME KIND OF DIRECTION SO THAT I CAN KNOW WHAT I'M DOING.
I don't want to be sitting here thinking oh shit what if this person rejects me, or this one, would this person be avilable. I MEAN FOR CHRIST'S SAKE THERE'S NO TIME FOR THAT SHIT. I have a maths test to study for, a french writing task to scribble, an art prac to hopefully make magnificent and another assignment for art to try and perfect.
So what I concluded, after a briefly angry interlude, I will ask Kitchardd Rummekin whom I've known prior to birth. Our sisters went through school together, our mums discussed the feelings of having us inside and him and I played with tonka trucks and made sandcastles in prep. He was my mate.
The only slight issues is that I have not spoken to him for about four years. I don't even know who his friends are. I don't even know his interests.
All I know is: he has blonde hair, blue eyes and a slight skip to his walk.
His family is welsh, and if nothing's changed in four years he has a strange accent.
I'm Australian by the way.
He's fairly placid and he has a slight skip to his walk, I think he has that thing where you walk on you tip-e-toes.
I don't know whether to just bite the apple or dilly-dally.
Will you go to the formal with me?
Do you wanna go to the formal with me?
Hey you! I thought perhaps because we've known each other our whole lives- Do you remember playing trucks in the sandpit?--- I thought we could go to the formal together?
I'll definitely be wearing make-up to school tomorrow.
other things I'm nervous about: My drama performance tomorrow. I have to transform into an old man, with fiddling fingers and lots of money who was invented as a character about 1500 years ago or more. We also have to be funny. And this shit will be improvised, no scripts just costumes, props and wit.
SCARY.
My maths test, haven't completed any homework and I'm scared. I keep on thinking; a two hour test, obscure questions and lots of lined paper.
What if I freeze up?
What if I think I understand them and get them completely wrong?
What if I cry in the exam?
Shit.
I need to sleep.
so I'll leave you all and this incomplete shit-a-licious blog to contemplate and feel the gentle breeze of hush-a-bye mountain.
Thankyou if you read this.
GOOD NIGHT EVERYONE,
xGwen
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
My Amazing Day.
Today, I was woken by my mumma.
An interesting start.
I was in such a deep, ornate dream, I woke up disoriented.
I dreamt of combing a baby's hair. All of its hair was falling out, before it conclude, I awoke.
I wonder what the psychologists would say to that one.
I was reallllly late, I had to eat breakfast in the car. Which gives me kicks because it's not what your meant to do. Such a badass am I.
I go to school. I am in year 11, to clarify.
In english my friend and I spoke about ghosts, in particular, one she has been seeing on a regular basis at the end of her bed. I am yet to decide whether or not I believe in ghosts. I'm pretty sure I believe in spirits. Admittedly they scare me, but I think I believe in them. If they weren't real, how could they exist in so many diverse cultures and so much historic literature and still be a popular topic today?
How could there be so much prolonged fuss over something that isn't real?
I can't see ghosts nor can I feel them. I feel myself deflecting that stuff though.
I am afraid of 'the dark side'.
I avoid horror films. I close my eyes when people get 'shot' on Tv. I don't buy anything with skulls on it.
I avert my eyes to darkness like a coward. I just don't want that stuff to enter my mind. I believe in God, I'd like to believe in angels but don't really. I'm not sure. I think there's a greater power that you cannot see but as for the dead bodies with energised spirits, I'm reasonably sure they're around, but I am also reasonably sure I deflect them.
Is there a satan? If there is, in the act of entertaining these dark thoughts, distinguishing them, do we let that little devil in?
I could go on for hours.
basically: I walk quickly past the shadows; others I know however, they dance in them.
Maths: I did what I wasn't supposed to. Although, I do it every lesson, I talked, and giggled, and drew on the desk infront of me in pencil. considered what would happen if someone changed the automatic reactions of the body. Like when you orgasmed, if someone were to change the automatic response which is moaning to snorting or to the act of another completely unattractive function.
That thought entertained me for a while.
I grow so mindless in Mathematics. I suppose it's because I do not enjoy it; NOT ONE BIT.
that and I don't try anymore.
I hate that little fear of failure. I hate that limited thing called time sometimes. I wonder what a hard-worker I'd be if I didn't have the belief in making the most of your time. Doing things you ENJOY. For me that's not maths. For me, that's: art, drama (realism not improvisation), philosophy, meeting people, travel, looking through branches of trees. All of the atheorial things. and things that are pretty too. Oh God, I'm such a girl!
Maths put me on a high though. It was so emancipating to be so stupid, naughty and mindless. I finally understand criminals!
I love being that giggling little school girl sometimes, knowing that it really is just about time for me to grow up but enjoying the little things so much that it works in the opposite direction. Me growing (or shrinking as it seems) to be more and more immature. Delighting in the temporary freedom of mindlessness.
At morning tea -or 'recess' as that big, capitalist, daddy country calls it- my two close friends and I sat under a green jacaranda tree and giggled some more. I repeated my idea of re-tweaking the senses to allow for snorting orgasms and laughed at my own comic conceptual ideologies.
The next two periods of school were lame and so they will be skipped.
Lunch time started of like the signs of a bad smell. You can sense it there and you worry that it'll turn out as bad as it seems. Luckily a gentle breeze blew it away into the distance.
It began by me, having gotten out of class late, alone searching for friends, unsuccessfully, "Bugger." Thought, I.
PART TWO
I went and looked in the usual places and there was no one to be seen. It is the week before exams and so lunchtimes now appear an unaffordable luxury. I found a bunch of them (my cool dude friends that is) huddled together around a text book. On a beautiful blue-skied summer-like autumn day. right. I headed off, feeling somewhat defeated in my longing for a 'fun' lunchtime.
As I walked back, in some lucky strike of fate, I found my good friend, "LIVVVVVV, I FOUND YOUUU!". It was such an emotive reunion, one might say we looked like old ladies, the ones greet each other like they thought they'd never see each other again and hadn't seen each other for years. I'd seen liv but an hour prior. I hope she doesn't mind me using her name. Hopefully, the readers, if I have any, I hope you all have short memory spans.
Tuesdays are the day a near-by special school visits ours and we get to play with kids who have problems much greater than ours yet are so much freer than we are. You think one down-syndrome kid is just like another but what I discovered today is that although their looks are somewhat similar their personalities are all distinguishable and unique and they have wit too.
How I got there: Liv and I headed to the bathroom to wipe the sweat off our faces (it was 30degrees C today with 70%humidity HOOWEEE ITWASWARM) and to view our sweat patches. Ok, that was just me, and they were big mummas. MMMMMMMMMNNNNNN
and as we were entertaining these vain thoughts, a little girl greeted us. I'm unsure still of her illness (if you can call it that), she had a slight hunch and a little lisp but such a cheery and kind demeanour. She told us we should come and play in the sports centre with all the others, we thought that we couldn't (it is such a popular program, you have to be quick to put your name down to be able to do it). She insisted. She even held the doors open for us.
Liv and I utterly intrigued at the bewildering moments of life. How some oppurtunities arise out of nowhere that change your mentalities and the way in which you view your environment completely. I believe the experiences in life is what makes your personality; that what happens to us determines who we are. I was so happy to have this little person come and take me on an adventure that both Liv and I didn't hesitate; and off we went. Giggling ever so slightly at the strange occurrence of events in our lunchtime, enthralled in the happenings of this whole new world that had evolved in the sports centre. Astounded by what was around us.
It was so beautiful. Some were in mixed groups of kids from their school and kids from ours. No one excluded. Everyone playing together. One boy from my school teaching a little girl how to play basketball or at least getting a ball in the hoop: ball grasped with two hands, down between the knees, pulled up with all their might until behind the head and then released just in front of the face. often completely devoid of the hoop, but the girl with down syndrome grinning from ear to ear and the happiness you get from making another so happy very much apparent on the boy's face. She was so gorgeous.
Bethany, the girl who insistently invited us to come in and see her friends, Liv and I played ball games and then 'duck, duck, goose'. As we played this game, a couple of boys come and sat with us. Both with down-syndrome, one of them, I am unsure of his name, was severely affected it seemed, his eyes were nearly completely cross-eyed, I doubt his vision was great, but he had such a personality. As the group expanded, everyone so delighted with these exuberantly cheery little people, the game grew more and more exciting. The anticipation as to who would be chosen for the big chase, namely the 'goose' visible on the faces of everyone in the circle, especially the kids from my school. The boy who I mentioned before with the cross-eyes was chosen. He stood up "chicken" he bestowed as he tapped the head of the boy next to him.
He delighted in everyone's laughter, I don't know whether or not it was on purpose though, I don't think anyone else did either.
That lunchtime has been the highlight of my week thus far. Such beautiful people. Such luck to have that happen to us.
And then to place the big, juicy cherry and the top of the cake, I had a Duke of Edinburgh meeting this afternoon. The people who participate in this award are such cool kids. They're real, none of them good at sport, many of them amazing at school. They're not about aesthetics anyway.
we had a little meeting about an upcoming expedition; but the best part was the whispers during the presentation. I think I laughed so hard it went silent about four times.
That and the teacher who runs the meetings and the award is SUUUUPER COOL. She's awesome. She brought everything from white choc mud cake to dark choc mud cake to shapes, to tiny teddies to bananas and grapes. Food makes me happy. As you can understand a smorgas board like this one made me ecstatic!
And then I came home. And that's the end. I hope you enjoyed this. It's quite long. I think I'll divide it in two, for your reading pleasure.
NIIIIGHT.
Sweet Dreams
Love Gwen.
An interesting start.
I was in such a deep, ornate dream, I woke up disoriented.
I dreamt of combing a baby's hair. All of its hair was falling out, before it conclude, I awoke.
I wonder what the psychologists would say to that one.
I was reallllly late, I had to eat breakfast in the car. Which gives me kicks because it's not what your meant to do. Such a badass am I.
I go to school. I am in year 11, to clarify.
In english my friend and I spoke about ghosts, in particular, one she has been seeing on a regular basis at the end of her bed. I am yet to decide whether or not I believe in ghosts. I'm pretty sure I believe in spirits. Admittedly they scare me, but I think I believe in them. If they weren't real, how could they exist in so many diverse cultures and so much historic literature and still be a popular topic today?
How could there be so much prolonged fuss over something that isn't real?
I can't see ghosts nor can I feel them. I feel myself deflecting that stuff though.
I am afraid of 'the dark side'.
I avoid horror films. I close my eyes when people get 'shot' on Tv. I don't buy anything with skulls on it.
I avert my eyes to darkness like a coward. I just don't want that stuff to enter my mind. I believe in God, I'd like to believe in angels but don't really. I'm not sure. I think there's a greater power that you cannot see but as for the dead bodies with energised spirits, I'm reasonably sure they're around, but I am also reasonably sure I deflect them.
Is there a satan? If there is, in the act of entertaining these dark thoughts, distinguishing them, do we let that little devil in?
I could go on for hours.
basically: I walk quickly past the shadows; others I know however, they dance in them.
Maths: I did what I wasn't supposed to. Although, I do it every lesson, I talked, and giggled, and drew on the desk infront of me in pencil. considered what would happen if someone changed the automatic reactions of the body. Like when you orgasmed, if someone were to change the automatic response which is moaning to snorting or to the act of another completely unattractive function.
That thought entertained me for a while.
I grow so mindless in Mathematics. I suppose it's because I do not enjoy it; NOT ONE BIT.
that and I don't try anymore.
I hate that little fear of failure. I hate that limited thing called time sometimes. I wonder what a hard-worker I'd be if I didn't have the belief in making the most of your time. Doing things you ENJOY. For me that's not maths. For me, that's: art, drama (realism not improvisation), philosophy, meeting people, travel, looking through branches of trees. All of the atheorial things. and things that are pretty too. Oh God, I'm such a girl!
Maths put me on a high though. It was so emancipating to be so stupid, naughty and mindless. I finally understand criminals!
I love being that giggling little school girl sometimes, knowing that it really is just about time for me to grow up but enjoying the little things so much that it works in the opposite direction. Me growing (or shrinking as it seems) to be more and more immature. Delighting in the temporary freedom of mindlessness.
At morning tea -or 'recess' as that big, capitalist, daddy country calls it- my two close friends and I sat under a green jacaranda tree and giggled some more. I repeated my idea of re-tweaking the senses to allow for snorting orgasms and laughed at my own comic conceptual ideologies.
The next two periods of school were lame and so they will be skipped.
Lunch time started of like the signs of a bad smell. You can sense it there and you worry that it'll turn out as bad as it seems. Luckily a gentle breeze blew it away into the distance.
It began by me, having gotten out of class late, alone searching for friends, unsuccessfully, "Bugger." Thought, I.
PART TWO
I went and looked in the usual places and there was no one to be seen. It is the week before exams and so lunchtimes now appear an unaffordable luxury. I found a bunch of them (my cool dude friends that is) huddled together around a text book. On a beautiful blue-skied summer-like autumn day. right. I headed off, feeling somewhat defeated in my longing for a 'fun' lunchtime.
As I walked back, in some lucky strike of fate, I found my good friend, "LIVVVVVV, I FOUND YOUUU!". It was such an emotive reunion, one might say we looked like old ladies, the ones greet each other like they thought they'd never see each other again and hadn't seen each other for years. I'd seen liv but an hour prior. I hope she doesn't mind me using her name. Hopefully, the readers, if I have any, I hope you all have short memory spans.
Tuesdays are the day a near-by special school visits ours and we get to play with kids who have problems much greater than ours yet are so much freer than we are. You think one down-syndrome kid is just like another but what I discovered today is that although their looks are somewhat similar their personalities are all distinguishable and unique and they have wit too.
How I got there: Liv and I headed to the bathroom to wipe the sweat off our faces (it was 30degrees C today with 70%humidity HOOWEEE ITWASWARM) and to view our sweat patches. Ok, that was just me, and they were big mummas. MMMMMMMMMNNNNNN
and as we were entertaining these vain thoughts, a little girl greeted us. I'm unsure still of her illness (if you can call it that), she had a slight hunch and a little lisp but such a cheery and kind demeanour. She told us we should come and play in the sports centre with all the others, we thought that we couldn't (it is such a popular program, you have to be quick to put your name down to be able to do it). She insisted. She even held the doors open for us.
Liv and I utterly intrigued at the bewildering moments of life. How some oppurtunities arise out of nowhere that change your mentalities and the way in which you view your environment completely. I believe the experiences in life is what makes your personality; that what happens to us determines who we are. I was so happy to have this little person come and take me on an adventure that both Liv and I didn't hesitate; and off we went. Giggling ever so slightly at the strange occurrence of events in our lunchtime, enthralled in the happenings of this whole new world that had evolved in the sports centre. Astounded by what was around us.
It was so beautiful. Some were in mixed groups of kids from their school and kids from ours. No one excluded. Everyone playing together. One boy from my school teaching a little girl how to play basketball or at least getting a ball in the hoop: ball grasped with two hands, down between the knees, pulled up with all their might until behind the head and then released just in front of the face. often completely devoid of the hoop, but the girl with down syndrome grinning from ear to ear and the happiness you get from making another so happy very much apparent on the boy's face. She was so gorgeous.
Bethany, the girl who insistently invited us to come in and see her friends, Liv and I played ball games and then 'duck, duck, goose'. As we played this game, a couple of boys come and sat with us. Both with down-syndrome, one of them, I am unsure of his name, was severely affected it seemed, his eyes were nearly completely cross-eyed, I doubt his vision was great, but he had such a personality. As the group expanded, everyone so delighted with these exuberantly cheery little people, the game grew more and more exciting. The anticipation as to who would be chosen for the big chase, namely the 'goose' visible on the faces of everyone in the circle, especially the kids from my school. The boy who I mentioned before with the cross-eyes was chosen. He stood up "chicken" he bestowed as he tapped the head of the boy next to him.
He delighted in everyone's laughter, I don't know whether or not it was on purpose though, I don't think anyone else did either.
That lunchtime has been the highlight of my week thus far. Such beautiful people. Such luck to have that happen to us.
And then to place the big, juicy cherry and the top of the cake, I had a Duke of Edinburgh meeting this afternoon. The people who participate in this award are such cool kids. They're real, none of them good at sport, many of them amazing at school. They're not about aesthetics anyway.
we had a little meeting about an upcoming expedition; but the best part was the whispers during the presentation. I think I laughed so hard it went silent about four times.
That and the teacher who runs the meetings and the award is SUUUUPER COOL. She's awesome. She brought everything from white choc mud cake to dark choc mud cake to shapes, to tiny teddies to bananas and grapes. Food makes me happy. As you can understand a smorgas board like this one made me ecstatic!
And then I came home. And that's the end. I hope you enjoyed this. It's quite long. I think I'll divide it in two, for your reading pleasure.
NIIIIGHT.
Sweet Dreams
Love Gwen.
Firstly, a Justification
I am using this due to guilt of wasting paper. I've gone through three notebooks in recording three months. It's not good and poor old Mr.Environment is beginning to choke because of it. (perhaps a little over the top, I don feel guilty for using so much of the earth's resources though and have resolved to cut down anyway I can!)
Also because writing takes such a long time that by the time I've finished writing one word the whole sentence that had been formed in my head evaporates like water in a dessert. Super quick, enticing you then disappearing. Excuse my analogies also. There WILL be a few.
Lastly and the thing I feel I need to explain for the most is the fact that these confessions of inner-most thoughts and feelings will be public. I am not comfortable with this and scarcely afraid of criticism but I couldn't be bothered looking further down on google for other 'bloggers'. Basically I want to write this stuff, get it out of my head so that I can get on with my work.
I want to write this stuff so that it is preserved somehow. The concept of lost thoughts concerns me. I don't want to forget my memories. I at least want them recorded SOMEWHERE.
Somewhere deep inside it'd almost be nice for others to read this, not so that they will 'understand' me (I have family and friends for that) but so that these words, thoughts and feelings will be expressed in a manner that allows for others to actually hear it (or read as it so happens). In a small way I would like my opinions to be heard. I would like to tell a stranger about my day in some regards/circumstances.
Actually in a few years time you might have to pay to read my thoughts. I'm going to be an amazing journalist, and thus I am practising expression of ideas.
And so, I've found myself here. Having justified my choice to 'blog'.
Hopefully, you'll read this and understand.
If you don't I suppose you can creep someone else's thoughts and ideas or better yet you could steal someone's diary, read it and criticise it, in effect the two are the same right?
So.. Enjoy :D
I hope you enjoy a few, brief glimpses into my life,
Also because writing takes such a long time that by the time I've finished writing one word the whole sentence that had been formed in my head evaporates like water in a dessert. Super quick, enticing you then disappearing. Excuse my analogies also. There WILL be a few.
Lastly and the thing I feel I need to explain for the most is the fact that these confessions of inner-most thoughts and feelings will be public. I am not comfortable with this and scarcely afraid of criticism but I couldn't be bothered looking further down on google for other 'bloggers'. Basically I want to write this stuff, get it out of my head so that I can get on with my work.
I want to write this stuff so that it is preserved somehow. The concept of lost thoughts concerns me. I don't want to forget my memories. I at least want them recorded SOMEWHERE.
Somewhere deep inside it'd almost be nice for others to read this, not so that they will 'understand' me (I have family and friends for that) but so that these words, thoughts and feelings will be expressed in a manner that allows for others to actually hear it (or read as it so happens). In a small way I would like my opinions to be heard. I would like to tell a stranger about my day in some regards/circumstances.
Actually in a few years time you might have to pay to read my thoughts. I'm going to be an amazing journalist, and thus I am practising expression of ideas.
And so, I've found myself here. Having justified my choice to 'blog'.
Hopefully, you'll read this and understand.
If you don't I suppose you can creep someone else's thoughts and ideas or better yet you could steal someone's diary, read it and criticise it, in effect the two are the same right?
So.. Enjoy :D
I hope you enjoy a few, brief glimpses into my life,
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